For Those About to Love Stuff. . .We Salute You!

This sign was attached to a wall on the drive-thru section of a fast food restaurant. Now, it's been well established by now that inspired by my friend Bagel, I've developed a huge appreciation for "stuff." I am going to embark on a quest to find the individual that put up this sign and do "stuff" with them!

Talladega Nights

A couple of my favorite scenes from the most important work of cinema in our time.



"I SPREAD MY BUTT CHEEKS AS MIKE HONCHO."

Difficult Editor

I've just written what I consider to be a pretty solid article on Tim Kasher, front man for the bands Cursive and The Good Life. You'll be able to see it soon on Nada Mucho and in the "old school" print magazine Savage Henry.

Anyway, after submitting the article to my editor, I urged him to publish it as soon as possible, as the guy is playing this weekend.

The following in our unedited text exchange:

Ben: OK, I've sent it. Would be dope if you could "get it up," soon. Need to borrow some Viagra?

Matt: I'll get that piece up tonight and then cyberfuck the shit out of it!

Ben: Jesus God, man! You're outrageous. Although when I see that bitch up on Nada, I might jizz all over the screen.

Ben: What 'cha got on that, homie?

Matt: Perfect. The your Mom can lick the screen clean and make out with your sister.

Ben: Sick. Your Mom can come by and cram the mouse up her ass while masturbating to the Nada site.

Matt: OK, you win :)

Ben: That was fun. Now get to work!!!

Erection Dollar

Wow, this really made my day. While at the bakery across the street from my work this morning, I pulled out a random dollar bill. Imagine my amusement and excitement when I saw that the innocent word "one" had been turned into the far superior word "BONER." I can't believe I'd never thought of that before! I guess I'll have no choice but to head to the bank, withdrawal 100 crisp dollar bills, and get to marking them up. I really want more of these in circulation!

Kanye West: Brilliant Artist or Self Absorbed Douche Bag?

I was thrilled to find out recently that Kanye West chose the above image for his new album, "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy." Unfortunately, the "powers that be," deemed this artwork too offensive and will not allow it to grace the cover of his new album.

It brings up an interesting question though. Why would Kanye even want this to be his cover art? Sure, it features a naked, winged chick with some type of dog's tail, but it also looks like it was painted by a pervy 11 year old boy. I'm hoping this is a sign that Kanye will Advance, maybe in about 10 years. If he keeps staying true to his own "unique" vision, infuriating his fan base, and wearing leather jackets and dark shades, then the chances are very real for him to join the ranks of "Advanced artist." Either that or he's so arrogant he thinks anything he creates is brilliant and worthy of his fans admiration.

Nazi Halloween Dawgz

This is JJ, my friend from work's dog. He's some type of terrier, I think. After trying on a number of costumes for the upcoming Halloween holiday, JJ chose this nice little hippie outfit. The "squirrel" and "pterodactyl" weren't quite as appealing as this little hippie getup. It's hard to notice, but JJ's got a wig on as well; it sort of just blends in with his hair. He's already got a fine looking beard too, perfect for that "plaza dweller" look.

What I like most about this photo though is the unintentional Nazi salute. I'm hoping the arm just happened to stick up that way, and JJ's not actually a big Hitler fan.

Wepeel: Another Exclusive Interview with Front Man CJ Stewart

There have been a few Weezer related items in the news recently, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to discuss them with noted Weezer fanatic and leader of Weezer tribute band “Wepeel,” CJ Stewart.

Note: While conducting this interview, I had a great e-mail exchange with CJ regarding the correct spelling of the word “punani. “ So for all you punani fans out there, it’s originally an Indian word, and can be spelled either “punani,” or “punany.”

Ben: So, let’s talk about this tour Weezer is planning where they will perform the entirety of the Blue Album the first night, then all of Pinkerton the second. Do you think they’re acknowledging the fact that those are the only two albums anyone cares about?

CJ: I do. How could they not know that? Unless they are so knee deep in punani that they can’t think straight.

Ben: How are things going with Weepel, anyway? Do you guys have any shows lined up?

CJ: Things are going fantastic; we just signed to Sub Pop and are taking our covers worldwide. We have a fuck-load of shows coming up. They are mostly overseas.

Ben: Have you ever thought of contacting Matt Sharp (former Weezer bassist)? He’s probably not doing much these days, and could be down to join Wepeel?

CJ: Well I have talked to him before; I finagled my way into interviewing him years ago by pretending I wrote for a magazine. He didn’t seem very interested in joining. I hung up on him after calling him an effhead. He took it well.

Ben: Maybe you should try again? I mean hell, with your lucrative new record contract and international dates; he should be thrilled at the opportunity!

CJ: Perhaps I will give it a shot. Maybe you can come up with some better questions as well. Fuck.

Ben: Have you met anyone in Humboldt that loves Weezer more than you? Perhaps you can get them to join your band?

CJ: Judging by our show attendance, everyone in Humboldt loves Weezer more than me. I wouldn’t want anyone that likes Weezer to join the band since Weezer fucking sucks and so do people that like them.

Ben: Man, you've really tricked the masses into buying into this Weezer myth. So it's safe to say at this point, you're continuing to perform only ironically?

CJ: People are sheep Ben, you know? I slap on some glasses and rock the shit out of my guitar and these fucktards love me. Isn’t that ironic? (Just kidding Wepeel fans, I love you and want to have sex with each and every one you).

Ben: Do you think Rivers Cuomo and company still think they’re making great art, or they’ve come to terms with the fact that they’re creating corporate dick-cheese pop to pay the bills?

CJ: I think Rivers should have died in 1996. I mean what if Kurt Cobain was still making music? It would suck balls. To answer your question, eff no.

Ben: Yeah, I often wonder what Kurt Cobain would be doing now. I'd guess he'd be recording collaborations with Fall Out Boy for iPod commercials.

CJ: Yes. He would probably record with Lil Wayne too, like Rivers did. Lil Wayne calls himself “weez” and he sucks. Coincidence?

Ben: Do you ever feel like Rivers is fucking with you by releasing such terrible music?

CJ: I take it as a personal slap in the face. If I ever meet him again I will surely kick him in the nuts, and eff his hot Asian wife. And I’m not even into Asians.

Ben: A guy in Seattle named James Burns has started a campaign to raise ten million dollars to pay Weezer in exchange for their retirement from music. I find this hilarious and brilliant, are you going to throw down a few bucks?

CJ: Not only do I fully support this campaign, but I was recently forced to file for bankruptcy due to my contribution to this wonderful cause.

Ben: Well you have been amazing as usual CJ, I truly appreciate everything you do. You are a real humanitarian and a killer fucking dude, bro. I'm lucky to know a celebrity of your magnitude and I bow in your presence.

CJ: I know.

Just Chillin Out on Vacation

You may (or may not) have noticed that I haven't updated this in a little while. There's plenty of excuses; binge drinking in Vegas with rock stars, writing lots for Nada Mucho and Savage Henry Mag, and all other types of ill shit. If you really love reading my rants, you can stop by Humboldt County's finest comedy/pop culture mag "Savage Henry" every Friday where I have a column. I suppose that's why I haven't been writing as much here - I'm "spreading the love" a little bit.

See ya soon.

Magnificent Birthday

I celebrated the beginning of my 32nd year of existence this previous week. When I say "celebrate," I really do mean "celebrate." What I thought would be a low key evening of Thai food and early night, ended with me drunkenly eating cake with french braids in my hair, while wearing a Snuggie at 2 in the morning. Yikes! Please enjoy this little photo journal from the evening.


Look at me, I'm a crazy zebra wizard!!!


Tawon Thai with da whole posse, represent bitch!


The kindly waitress brought me over a couple of big scoops of ice cream, which I turned into a fine looking accidental dong.


Tim brought me Dots. "I fucking love Dots."


I have no idea who this is, really. Pretty sure it was the bartender at the Dubliner, from what I remember, she was nice.


Drunk later in the night, I put on my Snuggie and enjoyed a fine piece of cake. Delicious!

Hot Tub Dick Machine

A few weeks back I was privileged enough to enjoy a weekend out at my friend's time share condo in Kala Point, near Port Townshend, WA. I really feel this photo sums up the whole experience. Adam's head is thrown back in ecstasy as I pleasure him orally underneath the water. I also like the "Jessie," Adam's girlfriend was the photographer. Apparently she doesn't mind a little man on man love. HAHA!