Ball Sac-ramento Fun!

A couple of weeks ago I went down to Nut-Sacramento to surprise my Mom on her last day of teaching school. She was retiring after 32 years, so this was kind of a big deal. Amazingly, she truly was surprised when I arrived at the school with my bros, Andy and Pete. Over the next few days we went to the movies, went out for Thai food, had a big retirement party for her (including tequilla-fueled dancing) and did a bunch of other dorky family shit.



Waiting for the kids to get on the bus on my Mom's last day

The highlight for me though was our day spent at "Scandia Family Fun Center." And, oh boy did we have fun. My brothers an I were reduced to giggling 13 year old idiots as we attempted to get kicked off every attraction. First was the go-karts, where we abused the "no bumping rule" and were knocking the hell out of little kids. At first just I was banned, but by Andy and Pete's fourth round, they too had been kicked off. Next up was the bumper boats. Between spraying the hell out of the attendant, splashing each other, and swearing at loud volumes, all three of us also managed to get kicked off. It only took two rounds. Then we played some games in the arcade, did 18 holes of mini-golf and generally acted like fucking idiots. Fun family day!



It looks like I'm pissing all over Pete. Oooooh, possible new nickname for him "Pissed on Pete."



Andy got me got with the water cannons, I was wetter than a 12 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert!



Mini golf. We're in "Lillehammer, Norway" at this point.



New high score on "King Hammer." Look at all the tickets I won!



I used the tickets to buy this bitchin' Ninja sword. After about 7 minutes, I got sick of carrying it and gave it away to a little kid.

My Adviser and Me: A Work of Erotic Fiction

The following short story is very loosely based on true events relayed to me by a close friend. I was so excited and inspired upon hearing this tale, I decided to "embellish" it a little and pretend I was writing a letter from her perspective to Penthouse's Forum:

It was my second semester at WWU. Being slightly older than the majority of the student body, I hadn't made all that many acquaintances. Brian, my adviser was always exceptionally friendly and helpful, and not so bad looking for a man of 53. One day while going over classes for the upcoming semester, he paused and looked deep into my eyes, "you know Joanna, you're so bright and full of potential, I'd like to offer you a project to earn some extra credit this semester. What do you say we meet up for a drink at The Beaver Inn and go over details?" This took me slightly by surprise, but anxious to earn a few credits, I agreed to meet him.

I arrived at The Beaver at 7:00. Brian was running late so I ordered up my usual glass of Merlot. Around 7:20 Brian finally rolled in. "Oh god, sorry, I got caught up talking with Melinda, that fat ass, high maintenance bitch from Intro to Mass Media," he said. "It's totally fine, don't worry," I replied. "So I really want you to dig deep into this project, you can earn up to 4 credits depending on your output." "That sounds great," I said. "I want to earn those credits, and will do almost anything." At this last comment, Brian's eyes lit up as he gazed at me longingly.

Over the next half hour we talked specifics, what I would need to research, report and present. As he was wrapping it up, Brian said, "you know Joanna, you are a gorgeous woman, you must have a boyfriend?" "Uhhh, I haven't really lived here that long and haven't had the opportunity to meet many people yet. . .so, the answer on that one is no." After that we carried on and made small talk for the next hour. I was hitting the sauce pretty hard, and by the time we left was 6 glasses of Merlot and two shots of Jack Daniels deep. "How about we go back to my place and have a few more drinks," Brian asked. Slightly buzzed, I replied, "yeah, sure why the hell not?"

As soon as we walked in the door, Brian slammed it shut and leaned into kiss me. "Woah, woah, woah," I said. "This is weird, I barely know you and you're my professor." "Doesn't it feel right? I've noticed you checking me out during class," he replied. "Well, yeah I'm attracted to you, but I don't think we should. . ." At that Brian leaned in and kissed me, this time I didn't resist. We started making out our tongues twisting in each others' mouths. Brian reached up and began to remove my blouse. I was overwhelmed with passion, and feeling pretty buzzed, was helpless to his advances. He began playing with my breasts rubbing and gently squeezing my nipples. We rushed to the bedroom, knocking over a lamp in the process. I knocked him down on the bed, straddling his chest. "I want your cock in my mouth," I moaned as I hurriedly unbuttoned and pulled off his pants. I'd never been with someone so old and was surprised when certain parts were a bit more wrinkly and saggy than I was used to. Regardless, I went down on him and went for my what I consider my specialty - blow jobs of epic proportions. "Oh Jesus, that feels good," he muttered. "I want you inside me," I replied. I tore off my pants and straddled his throbbing member with my soaking pussy. "Oh god yeah, that's good," I said as his dick went inside me. I started bucking away wildly, full on cowgirl style. Suddenly Brian flipped me over on to to my hands and knees. He got behind me and rammed his old man meat deep. "Oh yeah, like that," I screamed nearing climax. "Fuck me, fuck me hard," I yelled as I came on his cock. Brian wasn't far behind. "Ahhhhh, I'm going to cum," he said. He pulled out and spilled his seed all over my back.

"Well, it looks like you'll be earning those extra credits quicker than you thought," Brian joked. We collapsed on the bed laughing like hell. I fell asleep in Brian's arms that night. What I thought was an innocent meeting regarding school had turned into one of the most savage, fierce sex romps of my life.

MASTURBATORS OF THE UNIVERSE

"Cumming soon to a theatre near you. The epic saga of a man and his long, thick, stiff sword battling the forces of evil. He-Man and The Masturbators of the Universe!"

Craigslist Free Item of the Day: Volume 9

Nightingale Extra adult diapers / bedside commode (Marysville)

I have a brand new(used 3 time) bedside commode. You can either use it bedside or set it up above the toilet with a splash guard/guid so the person using it does not need to be lowered to the toilet seat.

I also have about 1 ½ packages 20-30 of Nightingale Extra adult diapers size Small/Medium.

If this ad is up the item is available DO NOT ASK. Let me know when you can be here (by the Marysville Pilchuck High School) or I will not respond.

First to be here gets it.





I haven't done one of these in a while, but I was thrilled to find this one today. I'm seriously contemplating going to pick up the adult diapers. Going to the bathroom takes up so much of my valuable time. I would love to be working hard, delivering packages and just let my bowels loose, really push it out like an infant.

And look at that "bedside commode." No more having to get up in the middle of the night, simply roll over and piss and shit to your heart's content!

Or, perhaps I can throw a "Depends Party," where everyone binge drinks and sees who can piss themselves first. Who wants to come?

Bellingham Episode III: The Final Chapter

I know, I know. . .I've already had two blogs about my little weekend jaunt up to "B-Ham." I hadn't really planned on posting anything else, until I went through this folder of photos today and started laughing so hard I soiled my pants.



Adam ramming a drum stick right up Joey's hungry asshole. Yummy.



I think I may need to write a letter to Bellingham's city council. There was a major lack of public restrooms downtown, so Joey and I were forced to poo poo in a business's doorway.



I got a little "randy" at the bar. Luckily, Joey was hungry for cock, and took my throbbing member in his mouth.



Repping the "Pubic House." Luckily my little buddy is only 4'3 and weighs 60 pounds, so I was easily able to hoist him up.



I'm not sure if Timmy is puking from the alcohol or the sight of Joey's "little worm" inches from his face.



Funny story about this one, see the cops in the background? Apparently a car had just rammed into a pedestrian killing them on impact. At the time, however we were drunk and oblivious, yelling, waving and acting the damn fool. . .oh yeah, and Timmy was fucking the parking meter!

Horse Dentures

I got involved in an "interesting" conversation the other night while drinking pitchers of Rainier at Ed's Kort Haus. Somehow the subject of dentures came up and my interestingly "eccentric" friend Mike mumbled, "I wonder what the human demand for animal dentures is." I was like, "what the fuck are you talking about?" Mike replied, "well I wonder if there's some people out there who would like animal dentures?" The conversation then escaleted into theories of different animal's chompers being used in human mouths. Now, I found Mike's comment hilarious, but also somehow intriguing.

To test this theory of denture demand, I felt compelled to publish this posting on craigslist under the "FREE" section:

Free Horse Dentures (Northgate)

I've got a few sets of these horse dentures that I'm not using much and want to get rid of. Your horse will be happy to have a full set of nice, sharp new teeth. Or if you like, give them to the kids and they can have fun "horse mouth play time." Or, if you're strapped for cash and can't get gramps those dentures he's been needing, these could make a fine substitute.

I can deliver, e-mail me for more info.



* Location: Northgate
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

And sure enough, 2 hours later I checked my e-mail and had 9 responses! Here they are, completely unedited. And I SWEAR I am not making these up!

1. Nissa Cooley:
do you still have these?
im an aspiring taxidermist and these might come in handy...
thanks!

2. Vivi:
Hey, hello. I pony wrangle preschoolers rides on ponies, and story telling is great for kids. A few exciting props would be lovely. Vivi

3. Jim Kerkshaw:
I am interested in your dentures. Please call Jim at 206 334 XXXX. Thank you.

4. Luke Phelan:
if they are still avialble i would take them of your hands
call me 206533XXXX

5. Valerie Tavenner:
Hello
If you haven't given them away yet I would LOVE to have them for the
veterinary technician class that I teach in Renton.
I could come get them or if you'd like to deliver them directly to class
I am sure you would get lots of applause.

6. John E Lynch:
ill take em! when and where?
john

7. B. Gates:
Dear Sir:
I am interested in your free horse dentures, yet I do not believe they are truly for horses. Please advise.
Yours Truly,
B. Gates

8. Kimberlee Boring:
These would go great with my muppet creations (coming soon). Are the horse dentures still available?
Thanks,
Kim

9. Kim Pinnion:
i'll take them!

Unfortunately no one wanted to use them for "horse mouth play time," or give them to gramps as a sub for human dentures. Also, with the exception of "B. Gates" no one picked up on the fact that this was a cruel joke. I actually feel like kind of a dick now, as I realize there are people who really want horse dentures, and for practical purposes. If it's any consolation, I responded to each of these messages personally with "I'm really sorry, but they've already been picked up."

Well, I guess we answered the question in regards to the demand for horse dentures. Now tell me, am I an asshole or a cunning, clever genius?

UPDATE:

"B. Gates" responded to my apologetic e-mail with the following:

My name is Beatrice Gates and I have been a woman (in the biblical sense) for 14 years! I wanted those damn horse dentures. What are they for? I have to know, or I may die.

Thank you for your prompt response.

Love,

Beatrice

Backstage Dick Sightings

Well, we played a show on Sunday at The High Dive in Fremont. I'll save you from hearing all the boring shit like how we sounded, the turnout, about the other bands, etc.



Let's get right down to business here. Someone went buck wild in the "green room" backstage area and covered it with approximately 30-35 sharpie-rendered dicks. Like, "man dicks," that's right! It's almost like the fat kid from Superbad snuck in there and went to town. There were big veiny ones, dicks drawn on animals, and my personal favorite "These Arms Are Boners," which was a take off on the popular Seattle band "These Arms Are Snakes," and featured a man with two dick-arms spurting semen. There were even dicks drawn on women and children - this guy was holding nothing back.





Not even our old stickers were spared. Nice work!

My theory is that some bored, drunk band member with an immaturity level on par with mine and Joey's was responsible. This guy not only loves the cock, but loves people's reactions to cocks in "unusual" circumstances. Is it just me, or is dick humor one of the most amusing things in the whole world, right up there with sexism, racism and of course, farting noises!

JEWBACCA

. . .and now ladies and gentleman, introducing my new best friend, the legendary, JEWBACCA!

Damn, just when I thought I was being clever and original, I looked up "Jewbacca" on Google Images and found the following:

Wow, I Sure Do Have A Lot Of Growing Up To Do!

"Attention all frat boy shit heads. Are roofies just not cutting it for you anymore? Well then try "Rape" brand Gatorade - sure to knock the ladies right out!"

Bellingham Pictorial Review

So, I've decided to do a "photo essay" of sorts about my fun weekend spent in Bellingham with "Timmy da Tool Box," "Joey the Drunk," "Family Jewelry," "Fagdam" and "Jescie." It was a weekend of debauchery, where immaturity achieved new heights, and most memories are somewhat blurred and distorted due to alcohol consumption.

Hopefully "Timmy da Tool Box" will post the album "We Sure Have a Lot of Growing Up To Do." It will contain images of fake shitting in doorways, puking in garbage cans, humping dumpsters, fake fighting and a bunch of other ridiculous shit. Keep your fingers crossed.



After catching the train with only seconds to spare I was a little "on edge." I had no choice but to "calm myself down" with a few beers.



Lil Timmy's reflection as he stares out the window. The train followed the coast most of the way, and the views were stunningly beautiful.



I believe this area is called "Fairhaven," just south of Bellingham. The sun was starting to set, and the views were amazing. It was so romantic I started making out with Joey and Tim - at the same time!



Saturday was "EndFair" on the WWU campus. We hooked up some free cotton candy and watched this chubby young lady get repeatedly dunked. Funny shit!



Our friends Ship to Ship played an amazing set at Endfair. They're something like "instrumental post-rock Tortoise-ish." For being only a two piece they really fill out their sound with multiple loops, keys and ridiculously technical drumming. Give them a listen.



There were a few dorm kids hippie dancing all "wet noodle" style to Ship to Ship. I kept giggling to myself, and encouraged Julie to go dance it up with them. I love her grin in this one, as she is dancing ironically, and making me laugh like hell! I could barely take the picture.



Later that night, Common Market headlined "Endfair." Now I'm not normally one that goes for too much of the "hip hop," but these guys impressed the hell out of me. Sick-ass beats, informed rhymes and good crowd participation.



And finally. . .the pump. This photo pretty much sums up the whole trip. Joey and Julie fairly buzzed in the middle of the afternoon, playing with an air pump and attaching it to their crotches. Good times!