Sasquatch! Fest Review Sneak Peak

I'll be posting a long ass story about my weekend in North Bend, Snoqualmie, Ellensberg and The Gorge soon, but until then here's a few "teaser" photos. I know how you just can't wait to see and hear all about my "trip."


I got to meet the real life Sasquatch, what an honor!


Bowling in Ellensburg. Call me "Edward Bowling Ball Hands!"


Jon and I with $14 margaritas. . .delicious!



Jon getting really fucking weird in our hotel room. We were DRUNK!

BITCH HUNTER!

What? Two Will Ferrell posts in less than two weeks? What's going on here?

BITCH HUNTER 1


Well, it could be that this is about the funniest thing you'll ever see.

BITCH HUNTER 2


Now, if only NBC would film the "Bitch Hunter" series, we'd be all set!

Hot Sasquatch! Sex Caught On Tape

It's events like this that get me excited for attending giant rock festivals. Last year during The Decemeberists' set at Sasquatch!, a couple started fucking in plain site of the giant crowd at the top of the ampitheatre. I'm guessing there was alcohol or substances involved, hopefully both.



By the way, the song the Decemeberists' are playing in the background "Still The Wanting Comes In Waves," is a vicious motherfucker of a jam. The woman doing the backups can wail like nobody's business!

The hunt for SASQUATCH! 2010

As I mentioned previously, I will be out at the annual Sasquatch! music festival this weekend in George, WA (pretty clever name, huh?).



For all of you wacky kids out there that are into this whole Twitter thing, I will be "covering" the event in "real time" for Seattle indie super music conglomerate Nada Mucho. You can follow the "tweets" from me and several other writers from the site here: www.twitter.com/nadamucho

Also, be sure to swing by the Nada site for Sasquatch! previews and all the music news you can use.

Speaking of SASQUATCH, did you ever see those ads for Jack Link's Beef Jerky? The "Messin' With Sasquatch" ad campaign? I just went back and watched the whole "series" on YouTube, and they're all pretty frickin' hilarious. I especially like the one where they keep driving off tricking the 'squatch into thinking he's going to get a ride. Also, the clip of them fucking with biggie while he's trying to fish is pretty amazing. I think the hilarity lies in how upset the Sasquatch always get. The poor fella is the butt of all their jokes. HA!

Just Hanging With the GIRLS!

I'm going to the annual Sasquatch! Festival this Sunday, and I'm getting pretty excited. I'll be seeing a plethora of good, live bands including Pavement, The xx, Public Enemy, Dirty Projectors, Tegan & Sara and San Francisco's Girls. I wrote a little "preview" of sorts for Seattle's righteously awesome online music mag, Nada Mucho. Unfortunately I completely spaced the fact that another contributor was also writing a preview of Girls, so mine didn't "make the cut." Girls are a great band with a great story, so I've decided to share this with you, my loving blog reading friends.

Just Hanging With the Girls: Sasquatch Preview 2010
By Ben Allen



Rock and roll is full of legends, myths and elaborate tales. Sometimes you become more familiar with a band’s back story than you do with their music. Such was my experience with Girls. Before listening to a note of their music, I had become intrigued with the band, solely based on their background. Lead singer/songwriter Christopher Owens grew up all over the world as member of the sexually perverse, apocalyptic Children of God cult. At times, his mother turned to prostitution to help the cult survive. During his childhood, Owens had very little exposure to modern music, as rock and roll was strictly forbidden. After leaving the cult, he ended up working as a personal assistant to the eccentrtic Texas millionaire Stanley Marsh III. Then about two years ago he stopped “hustling” (selling substances) and started a band with his San Francisco buddy Chet White.

Perhaps because of the lack of exposure to rock growing up, Owens’s music with Girls has an air of innocence that also comes off as refreshingly original. You can hear a slight influence of jangly 60’s pop on their debut, simply titled “Album,” but it doesn’t come off as derivative. If anything, Owens creates songs so full of sincerity it’s almost embarrassing. Most people wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing these sentiments with their therapist, but Owens makes the details of his personal life available for whoever wants to listen. On their first single, “Lust for Life,” he sings “I wish I had a father/Maybe then I would've turned out right/But now I'm just crazy/ I'm totally mad/Yeah I'm just crazy/I'm fucked in the head.” The song continues in this confessional manner with classic, sloppy garage pop propelling it along. Another stand out was “Hellhole Ratrace,” a slow burning confessional ballad where Owens contemplates a more complete, happy life. “I don’t wanna cry my whole life through/I wanna do some laughing too/So come on and laugh with me,” he sings in a heart-wrenching voice full of sorrow. Chet White, the only other permanent member of the band, produced the album. While at times heavily textured, the record also perfectly captured the rawness in the band’s sound.

Owens’s honesty translates directly into his live performance. Girls are a competent, solid group of players, but don’t expect any wanky, over-the-top virtuosity or cheeseball theatrics. Basically, what you see is what you get. If the band is hungover, they’re not as energetic. If Owens is feeling depressed, he doesn’t act animated. If recent shows are any indication, the band will play most of 2009’s “Album,” some newer material, and possibly a cover thrown in just for fun. Constant touring over the last couple of years have worked in the band’s favor. Awkward, amateurish live beginnings have flourished into more solid performances now featuring keys, vocal harmonies and a tight rythym section.

Due to such a chaotic, troubling upbringing Owens never had the luxury of being “ironically distant” or “hip.” He never had any formal type of education, and didn’t even use money or have a job until he was seventeen. In a recent interview he described how most people are in bands “because they’re trying to get chicks or act cool.” “It's not about that for me.” He continued, “It's about finding a reason to be alive."

Catch Girls live at Sasquatch! on Sunday, May 31st 7:00 PM

"Oh Yeah, That Fucker's Coming Out!"

You know what's really fun to do when you're near blacked out drunk? Pull street signs out of the ground! I'm not going to name the person in the video found below, but let's just say at one point in time a "number of my friends" have participated in the activity. It's just one of those things that seems like a brilliantly funny idea after a long night of binge drinking.



When pulling a sign out of the ground, here's a few things to consider:

1) Concrete Pour - If it's a bad pour, the signs come out much easier
2) Design flaws - flimsy signs, cracks in the concrete, etc.
3) Weather - If it's been raining, the ground is much more moist, enabling the sign to be more easily yanked out.
4) Location - We've found it's best not to go sign pullin' right near a police station
5) Alcohol - Proper technique is only exhibited after consumption of at least 12 + drinks/beers.
6) Technique - Remember to lift with your legs.
7) Showmanship - After "liberating" the sign, it's funnier to run with it a block down the street, or set it up somewhere else.

Furry Fun Time

Are you looking to spice up your love life? Have things got a little dull in the sack recently? Then you'll want to try out some Furry role playing! For my money, there is nothing hotter than dressing up like a fun, friendly theme park mascot, finding a partner that's into the same thing, then getting "pig butt nasty" in the bedroom!



Seriously, though. There are plenty of weird fetishes out there, but the zoophile/plushy/furry role playing is one of the strangest. What happens in a relationship where the only way you can get aroused is by dressing up like one of these things? It seems bizarre to me, but I can honestly say I've never participated in the act, so maybe I shouldn't judge. In fact, maybe we should have our annual Halloween party plushy-themed this year? That would really "spice" things up!


This is a preview of what our next house party will look like!

Goodbye Dan Marino

Can Will Ferrell do any wrong? He has got to be about THEE funniest person alive. I stumbled on this video of him this morning doing a tribute to Dan Marino. How does he come up with this stuff? "The candle burned out long before. . .your shoulder ever did." HAHA!

R.J.D. An Obituary

Think back to a time when you were young and just discovering everything "cool" about rock and roll. Did this period of time involve dragons, fire and denim? There was a point in the late 70's/early 80's when Ronnie James Dio was about the coolest motherfucker out there. He was small, elf-like and had a penchant for playing with swords. His live show was always over the top, but in the best possible sense. He simply longed to give his audience more.



"R.J.D." will undoubtedly be most remembered for his track "Holy Diver" which contains some of the weirdest lyrics in 80's hard rock:

Ride the tiger
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean

Because, as you know, when riding a tiger, you want to make sure his stripes are visible, but also that's he participates in good hygiene.



Dio also popularized the use of the "devil horns" hand gesture which now represents any and everything "metal" or "bad ass." Thousands of drunken heavy metal concert goers have this man to thank.

Dio passed away a few days ago, reportedly from stomach cancer that he'd been battling for some time. The heavy metal community and the world in general should mourn this loss.

Bristol Palin = A Young MILF

Rarely do I pass judgement on someone based solely on their physical attributes, but in the case of Bristol Palin, I have to. I have to seperate her physical attractiveness from her pseudo-politician celebrity monster of a mother. I have to seperate her physical attractiveness from the fact that she is now on the lecture circuit preaching abstinenance. This after she had a child out of wedlock with a doofus redneck named Levi. This is just what happens in small towns.



When I forget all of those things and just look at Bristol, she is smoking hot. She's got a beautiful face, nice round body and has that whole innocent/naive look about her that's really sexy.

Is there something wrong with me?

Friends. . .How Many Of Us Have Them?

I sure am glad I have the pleasure of knowing this young lady. I recently met Hailey through my old pal Travis Castner while down in San Francisco for a Sonic Youth show. We hit it off right off the bat. Within an hour of meeting me she was telling me a series of stories involving cocaine, tattoos and pissing on people. She can also hold her own when it comes to drinking - if I remember correctly she finished a 40oz in the time it took us to walk from the Haight to the Mission District.

So imagine my pleasant surprise this morning when I opened Facebook and found this photo of her topless riding Chewbacca. I think I'm in love! HAHAHAHA!


Hailey (center), my new BFF

Less Talk. . .More White Trash!

Here's the latest addition to my "gas-station-white-trash-patriotic-shirt collection." I know the photos a little blurry, but this "puppy" features a big rig truck, a vicious, howling wolf and the words "Riding With The Big Boys." So tuff! My favorite part of the shirt is the subtle confederate flag on the roof of the big rig. To me, this says, "not only am I white trash, but I'm also a Southerner who is semi-racist." Classic!

Cover Me Badd

NOTE: "COVER ME BADD" was a project conceived by Keith Lionetti, which I stole for the title of this post.

I've always found cover band names pretty entertaining. I remember first hearing of "John Cougar Concentration Camp," "Burger King Diamond," and others and thinking they were pretty damn clever. There's also bands like "Little Kiss" (midgets doing KISS songs), "The Misfats" (fat dudes doing Misfits songs) and Lez Zeppelin (all female Led Zeppelin tribute).

The fantastic publication known as Savage Henry Magazine is going to be featuring a monthly column dedicated to ridiculous made-up cover band names.

I did a little "brainstorming" with my band yesterday, and we came up with a few. Let me know if you think of any others and what your favorite from this list is.

Explosions in the Ska - Post rock performed in the style of SKA by a bunch of dudes with dreads and baggy clothes

Wack Sabbath - A Band that does all Black Sabbath Covers while masturbating (wacking off).

Kriss Kross Dressers - A young hip hop group that wears women's clothing backwards




Willie Nelson Mandela - A group of African American men (Nelson Mandela look-a-likes) playing Wille covers

The Pissfits - All Misfits covers performed by guys that are constantly being fed water and urinating on themselves

White Power Stripes - White Stripes covers played by Neo-Nazi dudes with shaved heads and swastica tattoos. The lyrics are also altered slightly to reflect their racist commentary

Soundfartin - A band playing exclusively Soundgarden material accompanied by loud farts. Mics in their assholes amplify the live sound.

The Strokes - A group of individuals that have had actual strokes playing Strokes songs

Mission of Sperma - Mission of Burma songs done by a group of four men with semen encrusted clothing




Big Black Power - A group of Black men with afros and a political agenda playing Big Black covers.

Bums and Roses - GN'R songs played by homeless men

CREED SHREDS!

If there's one thing I love to do, it's make fun of shitty bands. I'm not sure if there's a band more deserving of criticism than Creed. My little buddy Steve turned me on to this clip of the band playing their hit "You Shit Here With Me." It's hard to make it through this thing without cracking the hell up. I got a side ache last night as I was laughing so hard. I don't know about you, but I would much prefer if Creed actually sounded like this, I would definitely be at one of their shows!

Craigslist Tranny of The Day: Volume 2

The second edition of the craigslist tranny thing. I didn't really know if I would do another, but "Jewelry" requested some more tranny action, so here we go! I mostly appreciated this guy's submission as he was very straight forward and to the point. He's looking for a panty boy, wants some action, and the best line is definitely no pic. . .no dick. I feel like hooking this guy up and letting him know about "Panty Boi," who was my first submission for this column.

Here's the text of his post, unedited:




looking for panty boy - t4m - 26 (bothell)

Looking for another panty boy to suck. im very serious and very not into chatting up a storm. lets keep it simple and to the point.

send age/stats, location if you can host and a picture. Im willing to host or travel, but cannot host until late nights (2am or so)

If you can't host, better have a good picture.

im looking for today, but will leave ad up if I can't find anything.

no pic...no dick.

Band of Homos

You've heard of Band of Horses, right? Well let me introduce you to "Band of Homos," AKA The Vague Prophets.

What is This World Coming To?

This photo represents the epitome of American gluttony and stupidity. I'm wearing a righteous new shirt that I bought from Kmart for $7. It's a powerful-ass deer in front of the American flag. The title reads "America. Home of The Brave." I don't know what the fuck a buck has to do with patriotism, but I fell in live with shirt immediately.

The "food" product I'm handling is the famous KFC "Double Down." I blogged about this thing recently, and became so obsessed with it, that I had to buy one just to try it. I have to say, it wasn't too bad. It was WAY too rich, but it tasted alright. I could have used some type of bread or muffin though, it was kinda weird. My brother told me that KFC chicken is actually some type of "animal" called "Animal 56" or something? Apparently, they have no beak, can't reproduce on their own, and are bred solely for KFC. Does anyone know anything about this?