Horse Dentures

I got involved in an "interesting" conversation the other night while drinking pitchers of Rainier at Ed's Kort Haus. Somehow the subject of dentures came up and my interestingly "eccentric" friend Mike mumbled, "I wonder what the human demand for animal dentures is." I was like, "what the fuck are you talking about?" Mike replied, "well I wonder if there's some people out there who would like animal dentures?" The conversation then escaleted into theories of different animal's chompers being used in human mouths. Now, I found Mike's comment hilarious, but also somehow intriguing.

To test this theory of denture demand, I felt compelled to publish this posting on craigslist under the "FREE" section:

Free Horse Dentures (Northgate)

I've got a few sets of these horse dentures that I'm not using much and want to get rid of. Your horse will be happy to have a full set of nice, sharp new teeth. Or if you like, give them to the kids and they can have fun "horse mouth play time." Or, if you're strapped for cash and can't get gramps those dentures he's been needing, these could make a fine substitute.

I can deliver, e-mail me for more info.



* Location: Northgate
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

And sure enough, 2 hours later I checked my e-mail and had 9 responses! Here they are, completely unedited. And I SWEAR I am not making these up!

1. Nissa Cooley:
do you still have these?
im an aspiring taxidermist and these might come in handy...
thanks!

2. Vivi:
Hey, hello. I pony wrangle preschoolers rides on ponies, and story telling is great for kids. A few exciting props would be lovely. Vivi

3. Jim Kerkshaw:
I am interested in your dentures. Please call Jim at 206 334 XXXX. Thank you.

4. Luke Phelan:
if they are still avialble i would take them of your hands
call me 206533XXXX

5. Valerie Tavenner:
Hello
If you haven't given them away yet I would LOVE to have them for the
veterinary technician class that I teach in Renton.
I could come get them or if you'd like to deliver them directly to class
I am sure you would get lots of applause.

6. John E Lynch:
ill take em! when and where?
john

7. B. Gates:
Dear Sir:
I am interested in your free horse dentures, yet I do not believe they are truly for horses. Please advise.
Yours Truly,
B. Gates

8. Kimberlee Boring:
These would go great with my muppet creations (coming soon). Are the horse dentures still available?
Thanks,
Kim

9. Kim Pinnion:
i'll take them!

Unfortunately no one wanted to use them for "horse mouth play time," or give them to gramps as a sub for human dentures. Also, with the exception of "B. Gates" no one picked up on the fact that this was a cruel joke. I actually feel like kind of a dick now, as I realize there are people who really want horse dentures, and for practical purposes. If it's any consolation, I responded to each of these messages personally with "I'm really sorry, but they've already been picked up."

Well, I guess we answered the question in regards to the demand for horse dentures. Now tell me, am I an asshole or a cunning, clever genius?

UPDATE:

"B. Gates" responded to my apologetic e-mail with the following:

My name is Beatrice Gates and I have been a woman (in the biblical sense) for 14 years! I wanted those damn horse dentures. What are they for? I have to know, or I may die.

Thank you for your prompt response.

Love,

Beatrice

Backstage Dick Sightings

Well, we played a show on Sunday at The High Dive in Fremont. I'll save you from hearing all the boring shit like how we sounded, the turnout, about the other bands, etc.



Let's get right down to business here. Someone went buck wild in the "green room" backstage area and covered it with approximately 30-35 sharpie-rendered dicks. Like, "man dicks," that's right! It's almost like the fat kid from Superbad snuck in there and went to town. There were big veiny ones, dicks drawn on animals, and my personal favorite "These Arms Are Boners," which was a take off on the popular Seattle band "These Arms Are Snakes," and featured a man with two dick-arms spurting semen. There were even dicks drawn on women and children - this guy was holding nothing back.





Not even our old stickers were spared. Nice work!

My theory is that some bored, drunk band member with an immaturity level on par with mine and Joey's was responsible. This guy not only loves the cock, but loves people's reactions to cocks in "unusual" circumstances. Is it just me, or is dick humor one of the most amusing things in the whole world, right up there with sexism, racism and of course, farting noises!

JEWBACCA

. . .and now ladies and gentleman, introducing my new best friend, the legendary, JEWBACCA!

Damn, just when I thought I was being clever and original, I looked up "Jewbacca" on Google Images and found the following:

Wow, I Sure Do Have A Lot Of Growing Up To Do!

"Attention all frat boy shit heads. Are roofies just not cutting it for you anymore? Well then try "Rape" brand Gatorade - sure to knock the ladies right out!"

Bellingham Pictorial Review

So, I've decided to do a "photo essay" of sorts about my fun weekend spent in Bellingham with "Timmy da Tool Box," "Joey the Drunk," "Family Jewelry," "Fagdam" and "Jescie." It was a weekend of debauchery, where immaturity achieved new heights, and most memories are somewhat blurred and distorted due to alcohol consumption.

Hopefully "Timmy da Tool Box" will post the album "We Sure Have a Lot of Growing Up To Do." It will contain images of fake shitting in doorways, puking in garbage cans, humping dumpsters, fake fighting and a bunch of other ridiculous shit. Keep your fingers crossed.



After catching the train with only seconds to spare I was a little "on edge." I had no choice but to "calm myself down" with a few beers.



Lil Timmy's reflection as he stares out the window. The train followed the coast most of the way, and the views were stunningly beautiful.



I believe this area is called "Fairhaven," just south of Bellingham. The sun was starting to set, and the views were amazing. It was so romantic I started making out with Joey and Tim - at the same time!



Saturday was "EndFair" on the WWU campus. We hooked up some free cotton candy and watched this chubby young lady get repeatedly dunked. Funny shit!



Our friends Ship to Ship played an amazing set at Endfair. They're something like "instrumental post-rock Tortoise-ish." For being only a two piece they really fill out their sound with multiple loops, keys and ridiculously technical drumming. Give them a listen.



There were a few dorm kids hippie dancing all "wet noodle" style to Ship to Ship. I kept giggling to myself, and encouraged Julie to go dance it up with them. I love her grin in this one, as she is dancing ironically, and making me laugh like hell! I could barely take the picture.



Later that night, Common Market headlined "Endfair." Now I'm not normally one that goes for too much of the "hip hop," but these guys impressed the hell out of me. Sick-ass beats, informed rhymes and good crowd participation.



And finally. . .the pump. This photo pretty much sums up the whole trip. Joey and Julie fairly buzzed in the middle of the afternoon, playing with an air pump and attaching it to their crotches. Good times!

Oh Chewy, You Rascal!

Bellingham Sneak Preview

I had one drunken, wild ass time this past weekend up in Bellingham. I'll write and put a bunch more photos in the very near future.

But for now, I think these two sum up the weekend adventures nicely. We spread our pussies in front of The Beaver Inn. Let me repeat that. . ."We spread out pussies in front of The Beaver Inn!"



Note Tim's use of the "jazz hands" for spreading, Jewelry's wide open gaper, and Joey's famous "two finger spread" technique.



Went for the old "squat and spread" here. I wonder how the older gentleman walking up in the background feels about my vaginal separation skills?

Fuck The Phone!

It's been brought to my attention recently that I'm terrible at answering my phone and calling people back. This is apparently because I'm "too cool," for all of my old friends and "don't have time" for them anymore.

And you know what? They're absolutely right. Unfortunately with my newly found level of popularity, I've had to hired Judy, a personal assistant, to screen all of my calls. She then evaluates the importance, and significance of the person, then selects who has the privilege of speaking to me. So, sorry to all of you out there that don't hear back from me right away - blame it on Judy!

Doctor Allen, Paging Doctor Allen. . .

After I finished my phD in molecular biology, I began to study the components of avian bird flu at the Institute for Systems Biology

Man, I love this Guy!

Nothing turns me on more than people leaving comments on my blogs. I really like the fact that folks take time out of their busy day to not only read my blog, but to leave insightful comments about what they've seen. The recent champ of commenting is my dear old buddy "CJ" AKA "Cow Juice" AKA "Cock Jabber." Just check out some of these gems he's left me lately:

"If you want to buy any of the above domain names they are now available. I own them all. Just name your price."

"Why don't you blog about how you didn't come to my birthday party because you were planning on going to Durant's wedding and then how you ditched out on that too. That would be a good one."

"who cares"

"Dr? More like Veterinarian. You are just trying out your new horse tranquilizer solution before you go on a horse effing spree!!!
Can i go?"

"im somehow jealous i was not there. (no homo)"

What a witty, class clown this guys is!



Oh my god, look at that beard. I understand he lives in Humboldt, and "excessive hairyness" is all the rage, but jesus, he looks like a bald, Irish, Osama Bin Laden!

Love ya "TJ!"

Four Legged Friends. . .With Benefits!

Now, I am seriously not a bestiality connoisseur, but if I were I would most def start a web site entitled "Four Legged Friends. . .With Benefits!" I would lure people into the site by showing cutesy photos of various puppies and their names.



"SUNSHINE"

Now imagine this, here's the whole online experience - you go to the site and see a photo of this smiling, happy little fella named "Sunshine." You click on his photo for "more info," and SURPRISE, you get a bunch of shots of "Sunshine" mounting various women in all sorts of positions. When finished, Sunshine is awarded a big, heaping bowl of Alpo, and a nice scratch on the back of his neck.



Gretch with "Roman."

On a related note, my friend Gretchen at one point posted a photo of her with a big ass dog named "Roman." Of course this was a completely innocent photo, but I decided to leave a comment, "This is a good "rear mount" shot. They don't call it "doggy-style" for nothing!" For some reason this inspired her to create a whole album entitled, "Just for Big Moosey." Please, give it a look!



My original comment here was, "DUDE! This photo should seriously go on dogsonblondes.com It looks like you're completely naked and the dog is about to mount you! Word." I would now like to update it by saying it should go on "drunkenblondesandtheenormousdogsthatlovethem.com"

"Name's Randy, but everybody calls me Freakshow."

"Thanks for helping us out."

(long, silent pause)

"I seen you two stranded out there alone in the dark, and I said to myself...What would Jesus do?"