Men With Nice Hooters

One thing I find funnier than adults with braces is men with huge boobs, or "moobs" as we will now be calling them. I might be jinxing myself here as there is a very real chance I'll have a nice saggy pair when I get older, but I can't help it. Sometimes I feel so bad for these guys, it's got to be a little uncomfortable. Much like Kramer on the popular television sitcom "Seinfeld," I'd like to offer them a "bro" or a "mansierre" for some extra support.



I also feel like these dudes with "moobs" should consider wearing sexier clothing. For example, when going to the beach, why not put on a skimpy little bikini top? Feeling casual and relaxed tonight? Then slip into a sexy little red lace teddy. Hell, the "moobs" aren't going anywhere, so why not dress them up a little?



One of the finer examples of man titties lately is Jack Nicholson. Just look at that set. He looks like he's about to squeeze some milk out of those puppies to feed his hungry child.

Cat Dick Scratch Fever

Awesome, I found another "accidental dick" this weekend while drunkenly walking around Ballard. Check this thing out, it's supposed to be a "cat scratching post," but it sure looks like a beige fuzzy-headed schlong to me. I've submitted this to the fantastic "Accidental Dong" site, so hopefully it will be posted there soon.

Abusing Tim Stiles

It has been brought to my attention that I "over-promote" my band's performances. I suppose there's a fine line between promoting and being annoyingly persitent. Sometimes in advance of one of our shows, I'll send out bulk e-mails, post flyers on Facebook pages, send out show invites on myspace and send "spam" text messages the day of the show. My buddy Tim Stiles brought this all to my attention, and we had a "meeting" regarding my promotion techniques. He explained to me that "more is less," and that's there's no need to let someone know 12 times about a single event.

I completely agree with Tim's theory, but just to be "funny" I thought I'd "let him know" about our show this past Sunday by sending him 6 text messages the day of the performance. They started out normal, pretending to be regular "spam" messages, but as they day wore on they got more and more ridiculous.



Here's the transcript:

1:17 PM
The Vague Prophets are playing tonight at The High Dive in Fremont. We are playing first at 8, so don't be late and bring a date. Love you!

2:27 PM
Please make it out to The Vague Prophets show tonight at The High Dive. We will be snorting Clorox off each other's penises in the green room and licking the Sharpie dicks on the wall.

4:15 PM
Hey there turtle lips. If your clit is turning red, join The Vague Prophets ya big shit head! Tonight at 8 PM at Fremont's finest shit hole known as "The High Dive."

6:39 PM
Do you enjoy seeing grown men with their cocks out on stage? Then come on down to The High Dive, grab on to those dicks and give us a "tug job" on stage. 8 PM!

8:00 PM
The Faggot Prophets will be sucking cocks in the green room at The High Dive tonight. Be there at 8 PM. Love you.

10:21
If you love adult men covered in their own shit, then come on down to The High Dive tonight and see The Vague Prophets!

UPDATE: I decided to send one more off to Tim today, and he finally responded.

3:30 PM
Ben: Do you like to rock out with your ball sac out? Then you should have headed down to The High Dive last night to see The Vague Prophets.

Tim: Oh for the love of god!

Incredible Real Businesses Vol 2: Rub-A-Dub Dog Do-It-Yourself Dogwash

Rub-A-Dub Dog Do-It-Yourself Dog Wash

Wow, maybe it's just me but I find these Seattle dog-oriented businesses hilarious. This one is especially great as you have to fucking wash the dogs YOURSELF! Why would there be a business that offers this "service?" Isn't that what a hose in your backyard is for?

. . .but don't take my word for it. Listen to "Bijou" the official Spokesdog. HA!



"I would never steer my fellow canines wrong, Rub-a-Dub Dog consistently provides fun, friendly service...and the dog treats can't be beat!!"

-Bijou,
Official Spokesdog

As an experiment,I'd like to take one of my hairy human friends into this business and see if the owners would protest me washing them there. Hmmmm, maybe I'll bring Bagel in, strip him nude and power wash the fuck out of him!

Incredible Real Businesses Vol. 1: Spawz Dog Swim Camp

This is the first in yet another reoccurring column on my blog entitled, "Incredible Real Businesses." The idea being that I post photos and information about businesses that seem fake, but incredibly do exist. I'm hoping to see and hear about more of these soon, but I'll also gladly take submissions via my e-mail: benallen1@hotmail.com

For the first installment of Incredible Real Businesses, I proudly present:

SPAWZ DOG SWIM CAMP



I first discovered Spawz when I saw their van driving around in my neighborhood. Not much later, I drove by the business (located just blocks from my house) and noticed the huge banner outside "SpawZ Swim Camp for Dogs!" I immediately started laughing uncontrollably.





Here is some information listed on the site regarding the camp:

Swim Camp is great for dogs who love to swim or could benefit from low-impact exercise like swimming. You dog will spend his day playing, socializing and enjoying swimming in our sparkling clean indoor pool.

If your dog has never been in a pool, or doesn't like to swim, NO problem....Camp includes swim lessons. We are very proud of our success rate at teaching dogs to swim. We have taught many breeds: Chihuahuas, Italian Greyhounds, Dashshunds, Corgis, Australian Shepherds, Jack Russels, Russian Blue Terriers, and more. We also have taught many dogs who are known to be natural swimmers such as Labs, Newfies and Goldens.

AVOID:
* crowded dog parks/beaches
* dirty, contaminated water
* bad doggie behavior by some park visitors



Spawz also offers an awesome "FRIDAY NIGHT SPLASH N CRASH!" deal:

It’s Friday night and you have had a long, hard week. Wouldn’t it be nice not have to rush home to care for your pup, but instead go out to dinner and relax? Also beneficial for those last minute weekend getaways where dogs are not invited…concerts, friend’s cabin, or just want to spend a quiet, romantic night away from the pooch.

How it Works
• 1.5 days of daycare, one night of boarding
• Two one-hour group swims (or two 20 minute private swims)
• Drop-off on Friday and pick-up by 1 pm Saturday
COST: All for only $59 ($89 value). Please mention this offer to get the discount price.

Spawz offers a variety of services including boarding:



I'm not even joking about this, but dogs here are given what are referred to on the website as their "own private suites."

So please, take a look at their website, you won't be disappointed!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIRE CHIEF EMILY!!!

Today is my hamster and good friend Fire Chief Emily's first birthday. Technically she's 1 and some change, as she was "around 2 weeks old," when I brought her home. But, today is the day she moved in to my house.

Over the last year she's brought a lot of joy to my house. Whether it was rolling around in her ball, getting pet by dozens of friends, being shoved up asses or drunkenly screamed at while completing "time trials" on the "Ham-Track" at 4 AM, she has truly become a loved friend and roommate.



So, for her birthday, I figured I'd do the "usual" and shave her bald, lube her up and send her up the ol' paper towel tube deep inside my anus. Then I thought a little more about it. How is that fun for her? If anything, I should be shoving something up HER ass for her birthday. So, I found a small plastic straw and an even smaller tiny ant. With a little push and a lot of lube, I inserted the straw into her tiny anus and let the ant start crawling up. A look of shock broke across "F.C.E.'s" face as the ant entered her. Fire Chief squirmed with pleasure as the ant deeply penetrated her cavity. After about 7 minutes the ant crawled out and I promptly bludgeoned it with my fist. I withdrew the straw and returned my precious little friend to her house.

Now you tell me, can you think of a better birthday gift for a pet hamster?

Stalking Amber Coffman

I don't often get celebrity crushes, but recently I've found an exception in Amber Coffman. I don't know if "celebrity" is even the right word. She's one of the guitarists/vocalists for the band The Dirty Projectors. I suppose at this point, The Dirty Projectors fame is enough to qualify them as "celebrities."

I remember first hearing about "The D.P.'s" back in 2007. The story goes that lead singer/guitarist Dave Longstreth had found an empty casette tape case for one of Black Flag's releases while visiting his parents. Feeling inspired to "fill the case," Longstreth went on to record a collection of Black Flag "covers," entitled "Rise Above," all played from memory. The "reimagining" of the songs often bares little resembalance to the originals, but that is what I find so intriguing. What would a song you loved in your youth sound like if you tried to just play it, without being distracted by the accuracy of the original, real recording? In 2009 The Dirty Projectors released "Bitte Orca" on Domino, significantly raising the band's profile and critical acclaim. Their music is modern weird-pop. They take cues from 80's inspired African artists, much like their New York friends Vampire Weekend. The songs often contain intricate male/female vocal harmonies and technical, but pop-oriented guitar lines.



But let's get back to the focus here, the lovely Amber Coffman. I'm not sure exactly what it is I find so attractive about her. Amber's appearance while cute, is nothing exceptional. She does kind of have that "adorable-elfin-Bjork-meets-Joanna-Newsome" thing going on, though. I also find her guitar playing and singing sexy, if that makes any sense. There's something about female musicians that really does it for me. Even if they're not "hot" in the traditional sense, a girl shredding on an instrument is a beautifull sight to witness. Also, from watching D.P. music videos, interviews, etc, I get the feeling Amber is a down to earth, normal, "real" person. I feel like if I met her at a show, she wouldn't be a stuck up hipster cunt, but more of a soft spoken, shy, interesting girl.

Hell, maybe I should contact their publicist about doing an interview?

The Negro Box

Yesterday at work I received a "black compact refridgerator." Almost immediately, I noticed the side of the box read "NEGRO." Now, I realize that two sides of the box were in Spanish, and that "negro" actually just means black. However, I faked disgust as I turned to the Lowe's delivery driver and said, "I can't accept this package man, I really don't condone any type of racism." It took him a second, but then he realized I was just fucking with him.



As the day went by, I kept looking over at the box and laughing to myself. Greg, an African-American coworker that I share an office with, asked me what I found so funny. "Well take a look at this box, what do you think?," I said. Greg processed what was on the box, and started to pretend like he was really offended. "Man, this is some bullshit! I'm calling Jesse Jackson and the NAACP. We needs to be getting rid of this negro box!"

"Tommy the Tuggin' Turtle"

I submitted my turtle dick photo to my new favorite website, "Accidental Dong." Wouldn't you know it, they put it up on their site! You really should give the unintentional dick site a viewing if you haven't yet. The shit is hilarious, I especially like the "penninsula" aerial photos, and the recent "handrail" at the old folk's home.

It's "BON JOEY!!!"

Excellent e-mail Action

This morning I hade an e-mail in my inbox titled:

"These cheating whores were exposed like cockroaches with my hidden spycams‏"



I couldn't bring myself to open it as I knew it was spam, but it amused me nonetheless.

I Found An Accidental Dick, I Found An Accidental Dick!!!

Alright, so I just returned from Hawaii, and in a short period of time will be posting stories and photos from my various excursions around the glorious islands. More importantly, I have some exciting penis news in the form of this little fella I found in an "ABC" Gift Shop on Kona.



So here we see an adorable little ceramic turtle. He's on his way to the 'ol fishing hole. He's got on his hat, he's got some weird wood pole, but wait a minute. . .



Ho, ho, ho. . .look at the size of that thing! It ends up our precious little friend is packing some major erect pink meat!