Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Ever Changing Sky Last Night



After our 10 hour recording session yesterday, I somehow managed to make my way down to The Rendezvous to see my "friends" The Ever Changing Sky play.

The fact that our new friends, the unbelievably talented "More Bells Then Whistles" was the determining factor. I had to see this show. I arrived about 15 minutes before The Ever Changing Sky started playing. Their set was a loud, intense epic mother fucker. I've seen these guys at least a dozen times, and they NEVER cease to amaze me. The quiet, intimate breakdowns, the epic peaks of delay pedal guitar chaos, the mathy-post rock repetitions, are all mind-blowingly precise, consistent and awe inspiring. By the way, all of what I just mentioned often occurs in a single song. Their set ended with some major, heavy rock, complete with Steve and Chapple smashing the necks of their instruments together. Fuck.

I had really hoped More Bells Than Whistles would be next, but Armed With Legs came on. I was thoroughly impressed by the 4 or 5 songs I heard. Two piece with bass and drums. The bassist loops the hell out of his playing, and sings like Thom Yorke (if he was being attacked by knives).

I tried to stick it out, but it was 12:30 AM,and couldn't make it any longer. I'm not too disappointed though, as we're playing with More Bells Then Whistle in a little more than a week!

STUDIO STUDIO STUDIO!!!



We spent 10 hours today at our favorite place to record in Seattle, Fastback Studios. We're doing the same tomorrow and will hopefully have all of the instrumental tracking completed for our debut Vague Prophets album. Three songs have already been tracked, mixed and mastered. You can hear one song, "Listen For That Sound," from those first sessions, here.



I'll update our progress soon.

New Year's Eve Photos Coming. . .NEVER!



As a result of the wrath of that fucking virus, ALL of my photos and music were lost. Long story short, you will not be seeing the remainder of my New Year's Eve photos from Bellingham as they no longer exist.

I think I have quite a few of my San Francisco photos still on the "memory card" on my camera. Hopefully they're there and you'll be seeing them on this very blog. Fingers crossed? Crossed.

GINGERS MUST BE STOPPED: ESPECIALLY THIS ONE!

I've encountered a little bit of "animosity" regarding my new found feelings regarding those awful people known as "gingers." My "friend" CJ even went as far as calling me "racist." At first I was a little upset by this, but then thought to myself "what the fuck do I care, the guy's a fucking GINGER!"

After posting the following photo on Facebook, I had no choice but to comment:


Benjamin Allen You look a lot like that dude. I've always though you have a bit of a "baboon face." Actually with that red you're more like an orangutan.

Here's a few other comments left for my "friend" CJ:


Benjamin Allen You are a ginger (Just like Conan) and you must be stopped before "you're people" get out of control and try to take over!

Benjamin Allen On second thought, maybe you're a "mulatto" as only your beard is red, and not yr hair. I still don't like you, though.
Cj Stewart: I don't like you because you are racist. Go join the kkk or something.
Benjamin Allen: I was actually thinking about starting a KKK-like organization for Ginger haters. Then go around burning crosses in Ginger's yards. Good plan?
Cj Stewart: No. I hope your mom is as dissatisfied with this as I am.
Benjamin Allen: Is this not funny? Sorry, I'm mostly just obsessed with the fact that there's really people out there that feel this way about "Gingers." HAHAHA!

After I posted some really stupid "redhead jokes" on his page:

Cj Stewart: Wow. I hope you copied and pasted.
Benjamin Allen: I sure did. But, "your people" do tend to have bad tempers.
Cj Stewart: i thought you said you were done! You are a mean friend.

Gingers STILL must be stopped!

I'M BACK! FINALLY!



"Well, that's what you get for visiting virus.com!" That's what my pal "Bon Joey" told me recently after informing him of the virus that rendered my computer completely useless. I'm not sure if it was that or hitting the rarely used "VIRUS" key that did it, but let me tell you, this thing was a mother fucker! It was so bad that I couldn't open any programs, and it even disabled many processes. Any attempt made to open a program would result in a fake ass "Windows Security Alert" informing me that my computer had been "infected" and that I needed to purchase their bullshit "anti-virus software" for $49.99



After what seemed like an eternity (2 days), my good friend "Adam" came by, and confirmed what I had suspected. "You're fucked," he said. "Alright," I replied, "what do we do from here?" He proceeded to use his skills to either re-boot my computer or reinstall Windows, I'm not sure which.

By the way, "Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. You know, like nunchaku skills, bow hunting skills...computer hacking skills."

Anyway, I'm back up and running now. "Adam," god bless you and your skills.

As a final note, for your own good, follow "Bon Joey's" advice and don't visit virus.com Unless of course you love getting "computer raped."

Monday, January 25, 2010

Binge Drinking With Trav-Ass

After returning from my trip to "The City," a lot of friends asked, "oh, hey how's Travis Castner doing? What's he been up to lately?"

I think this video sums up it up pretty well:

Now That's What I Call ADVANCED!



I saw the previews for this new feature film starring Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson and started laughing uncontrollably. Just when you thought he would continue starring in big budget god awful action flicks, he Advances by taking a leading role - as THE TOOTH FAIRY. God only knows what he was thinking. My pal Wagon B made a very good observation about Advancement in that the creative move taken by the "artist" only needs to make sense to the artist, and no one else. That seems to be what's going on here.

If you have any other thoughts about why Dwayne would star in this film, I'd love to hear them.


I also really love these promo posters with terrible puns. "The Tooth Hurts," and "You Can't Handle The Tooth." HAHAHA!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Shock My Balls, Please!



Man, I'd rather have my testicles electrocuted with 30,000 volts of electricity than pay money to go see this sad excuse for a "movie." Maybe I'm being a little judgemental as I haven't actually seen any of it, but I feel like a got a pretty good idea from the previews. Which by the way, so infuriated me when they were on TV, I had to put it on mute and yell something like, "Jesus Christ, what's wrong with America!?!?," when they came on. Then again, I thought the same thing about "Ernest Goes To Camp," upon seeinng the previews, but that movie was awesome!


What's going on here? Is this a "gangsta" Alvin?

I'm sorry if my recent blogs have taken a slight turn for the negative. Let's face it though, sometimes making fun of people and things is one of the most enjoyable activities in life. HA!

Craigslist Free Item of the Day: Volume 14

This is exactly how this one was listed:

Does someone want this hedge/bush (Renton)



you will have to dig it out. But it's yours if you want it. It's huge. Email me for address. I'm in downtown Renton.

Location: Renton
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Huh huh huh huh. First they said you will have to "dig it out," then they said "it's huge" referring to the "bush." 70's porno style!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hot App Alert: Dragon Dictation



I recently got a funny, but useful app for my iPhone. It's called "Dragon Dictation." It's voice recognition software. What it's supposed to do is transcribe what you say, then be immediately available to send as a text or e-mail. Pretty cool, right?

Well, it appears the software has a way to go as the accuracy rate is somewhere around 60-80% I'm not complaining about this though, as over the last week, I've sent and received some hilarious shit. All of my "iFriends" have been sending me texts that are either illegible or close to it.

Examples:

From Bagel: "The prairie dog love the Megatron and follows the borough trail to the burrow owl yarn needle scrapes by on the spider"

From CJ: "I'll hungry your mother. And when you read this article you'll love lady guy guy"

To CJ: "Hey man I can only have to understand that last message you sent me which is absolutely great boobs is that his weirdness never told Zucker what you're saying. Martin is pretty damn acted on orders that lawyers comes out so crazy something about you wanted me to call you over whatever."

From Keith: "Gribage to put tight found the walkway while tasting the dutch"

Arnold Schwarzenegger Douche Alert



Is it just me, or was Arnold Schwarznegger one absolutely horrendous actor? He's made his way on to my list of "All Time Worst Actors," including the likes of Keanu Reeves, Vin Diesel, Ben Stiller and The Rock.

Let's start by reviewing a list of the pieces of shit he decided to "star" in.

1. Total Recall
2. Kindergarten Cop
3. Twins
4. Jingle All The Way
5. Batman & Robin

Something else I find hilarious is Arnold's terrible "one line catch phrases" that seem to make an appearance in most of his films. From, "I'll be Back"(Terminator), to "It is Not a Tumah" (Kindergarten Cop), you can count on old Arnie to really throw out horrible one liners. See the following clip from "Total Recall."



The film where he abused this habit the most was "Batman & Robin" where he played the character "Mr. Freeze." His whole role seemed to be a vehicle for him to make terrible puns about the cold. Some of the best:

"Allow me to break the ice"
"What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age! Stay cool, Bat Boy."
"Let's kick some ICE!"
"Ice to meet you."
"Revenge is a dish best served cold!"

Obviously, Arnold was not blessed with a natural gift for acting talent and should have never pursued a career in the field. What I do really appreciate is his ability to turn films into unintentional comedies. How can you watch that scene from Total Recall and not laugh? I suppose I enjoy the irony of his horrendous attempts.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wisdom of Wilkes: Part 8

Greg is on quite the roll today. We started talking about one of our co-workers (Rob) and how he might actually be a "secret lady's man," despite his appearances.

Greg had this to say:

"Shit, he ain't no lady's man. He goes home every night and fucks his dogs. That's why they always be looking at him that way. Thinking to themselves, "boy I hope he don't pick me tonight."



All I can say is. . .HA!

Wisdom of Wilkes: Part 7



Man, it never ends with this guy. He may very well be thee most quotable dude I've ever met. Last Friday we had our company party at the "W" Hotel in downtown Seattle. Greg decided to really live it up and stay in one of the rooms of the hotel. The following is how he described his experience upon arriving there:

"We gets to the hotel room and just needed some ice. I walk down the hall and the fuckin' ice machine was broken. I gets back to the room and calls the front desk and says, 'hey your ice machine is broken and I needs some now!' They sent a girl up cute as a button with a tray of ice and she knocked on the door. She stood there for a moment like I was supposed to be tipping her. So I says to her, 'here's your tip, bitch, get yo damn ice machine fixed.' Then I kicked the door closed in her face."



HAHAHAHA! Is this not one of the best Greg stories yet?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Gingers Must Be Stopped!



It has come to my attention recently that there is a group of people out there that are far inferior to "normal" human beings in every aspect. I'm talking about people with red hair.

Seriously though of all the things to be prejudiced about, can you believe there's actually folks out there that discriminate based on hair color, and use the derogatory term "ginger?"



I find this fact absolutely hilarious, and want to meet some people that actually do hate red heads. Maybe I can join a hate group like the KKK that goes around burning crosses in ginger's front yards.



I've decided to be very prejudice towards my roommate "Black Ass," because of his disgusting red hair and beard. I've decided to build a second bathroom in our house so I don't have to share it with him, and whenever we use public transportation I'm going to make him ride in the back of the bus.

These people must be stopped, and I'm taking the lead.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Seattle Rock Guy



The fantastic article, "An Attempt At Explaining Advancement Theory" marks my first contribution to the website Seattle Rock Guy. The site is run by Nik Christofferson, who is a, "music enthusiast/hoarder, avid concert goer, local music scene supporter, and most importantly proud Seattleite." We've never met in person, but immediately connected on a musical level via a contribution of his on Nada Mucho.

I like the fact that the content is updated so frequently. Even if you check the site daily, chances are you'll see something new. So, what are you waiting for? Go check it out now!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

San Francisco Preview

I had an incredibly fun weekend in San Francisco. I swear when I have a "slow" night, I'll upload more tasty photos. Here's a couple to "hold you over," as I know how anxious you must be to see how my trip went.


I posed in front of semi-phallic buildings


I went to The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art with my great old friend Travis Castner. Here he accompanies one of SFMOMA's many fine pieces in the rooftop "sculpture garden."


Most excitingly, I saw Sonic Youth at The Fillmore. I probably shot about 40 photos at the show, so don't worry, you'll be seeing plenty more!

These Arms Are Snakes Break Up



One of my longtime favorite Seattle bands, These Arms Are Snakes announced today that they are officially broken up. It's very sad, but I'm looking forward to hearing guitarist Ryan Frederiksen's new project "Narrows," featuring member of Roy, Botch and Some Girls.

An Attempt at Explaining Advancement Theory

Previously I wrote briefly about Advancement Theory as a way to understand Bob Dylan’s “Christmas In The Heart” record. I’ve become an avid follower of The Theory, mostly because it helps me understand why well respected artists make creative decisions that seem completely idiotic. I want to understand why a band like Sonic Youth would perform live on a television show like Gossip Girl, without feeling contempt and hatred for their decision.

Who invented Advancement?

Now you may be asking yourself, who came up with this theory, and are they serious? It is widely assumed that well respected journalist Chuck Klosterman invented the theory as he wrote a fantastic article on the subject in Esquire Magazine back in 2004. The truth is the Theory was created during a conversation at a Pizza Hut by Jason Hartley and Britt Bergman in 1990. Hartley was seeking a “more optimistic way to enjoy rock n’ roll. Advancement is the appreciation of music that seems illogical on purpose.”

Hartley now works as an “editorial director for Delia's, a store that sells clothing to teenage girls.” This, according to Klosterman is a, “highly Advanced career choice for a heterosexual academic.”

What is Advancement?

According to Klosterman’s article, “Advancement is a cultural condition in which an Advanced individual--i.e., a true genius--creates a piece of art that 99 percent of the population perceives to be bad.” This means that the advanced individual is creating works of art that the general population regards as flawed or just plain terrible. When, in fact it is not the art that is flawed it is the consumer who has not advanced to the level of the artist, and therefore cannot enjoy the perceived “flawed” artistic creation.


Chuck Klosterman

It is important to note that this does not mean that all “bad” art is good and vice versa. In order for an artist to create an Advanced piece of work, it must not be what is expected of them, but also cannot be the exact opposite of what is expected of them. If the artist creates something that is expected of them, that is predictable. If the artist creates something completely unexpected of them, it is considered overt, and is therefore not Advanced. However, if the artist’s creation is either misunderstood, or completely unexpected, there’s a good chance they have Advanced beyond the general public’s comprehension.

Who Advanced in 2009?

There were many moments of Advancement in 2009, here are some of my favorites:

1. Pixies having "Weird" Al Yankovic sing live on the Doolittle track "I Bleed.”This was an unexpected move by the influential early 90’s group. They also played a set this year where they performed songs that received the most “tweets” by fans. If they keep this up, they risk becoming overt.

2. Cursive naming their album, “Mama, I’m Swollen
There’s a classic clip of the band performing on David Letterman where the legendary host reads the album title which receives a hearty laugh from the audience. The title is advanced as Tim Kasher and co. were intending to make a serious artistic statement.

3. Sonic Youth performing live on Gossip Girl
So, one of the most influential noise-rock bands of all time perform an acoustic version of “Star Power” off their critically acclaimed 1986 release “EVOL.” Why would such a band decide to play on the “Upper East Side bitchfest-melodrama” that is Gossip Girl? You can’t comprehend it, either? Consider it Advanced.

4. Weezer collaborating with Lil’ Wayne on the “Raditude” track “"Can’t Stop Partying.”The one-time relevant band continues their journey into Advancement by having “Weezy,” rap on a party track produced by Jermaine Dupri (Janet Jackson, Da Brat, Lil’ Bow Wow). If they continue with this trend of their last couple of albums, a move like this will be considered predictable.



5. Bob Dylan’s “Christmas in The Heart”I already wrote an entire article about this record but this is indisputably the most advanced release of 2009. See his video for “Must Be Santa” to witness Advancement firsthand. Note: The Advanced seem to love wearing wigs.

Critics of Advancement

There are definitely those who feel Advancement Theory is flawed, if not completely ridiculous. While trying to explain why I find Weezer collaborating with Lil’ Wayne Advanced, a friend told me, “try to explain it however you want, they just plain suck!” I explained to him that he was not Advanced and could therefore would never be able to understand their motives. The comment was met with further hostility.

Advancement does eliminate debate regarding art. Once a creation is deemed Advanced, there is no arguing whether or not the product is “good,” or “bad,” as those terms no longer apply.

Others feel that The Theory is just a way for Advancement proponents to “appreciate shitty music by people they consider to be non-shitty.”

Conclusion

I still want to love Bob Dylan. For this reason, I find myself using Advancement Theory as a crutch. I do not pretend to fully grasp The Theory, but it does make understanding the choices of “geniuses” easier.


This article could not have been written without referencing the following:
Numerous articles found on Pitchfork http://pitchfork.com/
“Real Genius” by Chuck Klosterman originally printed in Esquire Magazine July 1, 2004
“Advanced Theory Blog” by Jason Hartley http://advancedtheory.blogspot.com/

Friday, January 8, 2010

Wisdom of Wilkes: Part 6

It's well known that Greg possesses some "racial bias" towards people of Asian decent. I have always found this absolutely ludicrous as Greg is African-American and has undoubtedly experienced plenty of racism in his years. This racial bias doesn't end with Asians, however. As Greg explained to me, "shit, I hates EVERYBODY!" This actually includes black people. One day there was a young black man working with a landscaping crew outside of our office. Greg excitedly pointed at him and said:

"Ben, Ben, Ben! They gots a Negro working for them. Shit, there goes the neighborhood."



Today Greg and I were discussing the holidays and how quiet it was around the building. Greg brought up the fact that there were plenty of Asian people around, but hardly anyone else. He had this to say about it:

"Them Asian people has never heard of Christmas or New Year's Day. The only fuckin' holiday they gots over in them parts is NATIONAL RICE DAY!"

Bellingham New Year's Eve Teaser: Part 2

Now I know I said this before, but I SWEAR I will put up some more photos soon of my New Years activities in Bellingham.



Until then, I give you this photo. I spread my pussy in front of The Beaver Inn. Let me repeat that, I spread my pussy in front of The Beaver Inn.

Abusing Tim Stiles: Episode II



My awesome band "The Vague Prophets," played a show this last Saturday. I decided it would be fun to send Tim a bunch of texts again (all the same day of the show) just because he hates it when I "over promote." The following is a transcript of the texts:

12:03 PM BEN: Hi there friend! The Vague Prophets are playing tonight with Sectors & Segments and Levator. At The Rendezvous. 2322 2nd Ave. 10 PM Will you be able to make it? Please FWD this message to any friends you think would like to attend! (this was my "spam" text sent out to 50 people)

12:18 PM TIM: I will b there pumpkin. Don't u worry

12:19 PM BEN: Hahahaha! Should I send you another text later about the show?

12:19 PM TIM: Probably. . .wouldn't want me to forget

5:22 PM BEN: Do you love sexy men shaking their dicks around on stage? Then you'll probably want to make it down to The Rendezvous tonight in just 4 short hours to see The Vague Prophets!

6:37 PM BEN: Are you ready to see Joey spread his pussy like he's standing in front of The Beaver Inn? Then come on down to The Rendezvous in just 3 hours!

8:17 PM BEN: You're now only 2 hours away from seeing The Vague Prophets live at The Rendezvous. Be sure to bring a straw to felch Scuba Steve's ass!

8:40 PM BEN: Have you ever seen a grown man pull his butt apart? Then come on down to The Rendezvous tonight and watch Bagel get nuts!

9:17 PM BEN: There is now less than ONE hour before you can see The Vague Prophets. I hope you're ready!

THE NEXT DAY

4:08 PM BEN: If you enjoy loud rock music, hanging out with a bunch of friends, getting drunk and diddling yr pud in a dirty bathroom, it's a good thing you came to The Rendezvous last night to see The Vague Prophets!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Soundgarden is Reuniting in 2010 (and no one cares)



Legendary Seattle band Soundgarden has announced they will be reuniting in 2010, playing together for the first time since their break-up in 1997. When I head this news, all I could think was, "Chris Cornell is a pop singer douche bag, and the rest of the band hasn't released anything relevant since the early 90's." In other words, "WHO FUCKING CARES?"

"That's One Heavy Band Photo, Man"



Here's a photo of THE VAGUE PROPHETS frolicking in the light of the full (blue) moon, werewolf style.

L to R: "Mr. Beagle Snips" "Big Poppa" "Scuba Steve" "Bon Joey"

Guess What? My Band Is Playing Another Show!

A Positive Statement From Adam Drew!!!



Adam Drew. A man who has a history of "disliking" a lot of bands he sees. If a band is "bad" enough, he is likely to want to "punch them out," "punch them out of their hair," "punch them out of their beards," etc.

The following is a an actual transcript from Facebook with Adam Drew regarding the show I played last Saturday at The Rendezvous:

Adam Drew Great start to the new decade! Good shows good friends and memories

Benjamin Allen Great start = a new, positive attitude from you!

Adam Drew unlikely

Benjamin Allen You liked at least one of the bands last night?

Adam Drew All 3 it is unheard of

You heard it here first, ladies and gentleman. At around 11:00 AM on Tuesday, January 5th, Adam Drew admitted he liked ALL 3 of the bands that performed at a show.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!



I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco! I'm going to see Sonic Youth in San Francisco!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Content Question



Over the last couple of weeks, I've been putting up an average of 1-2 blogs per day. Is that too much to keep up with? Would you prefer that I only post one a week? Two?

What's a good number of blogs per week? I can't promise I'll only write that many, but I'm interested in your feedback.

Bellingham New Years Eve Teaser

I made it back alive from another night of extreme binge drinking in Bellingham. Expect to see a bunch of photos up here shortly.



But until then, I think this one picture sums the trip up pretty well. Jon From Smith River spread his pussy in front of the Beaver Inn. Let me repeat that. . . Jon From Smith River spread his pussy in front of the Beaver Inn.

The Best Mayor?



With the beginning of this new year, comes the election and swearing in of Seattle's new mayor Michael "Mike" McGinn. I like his community activism, his advocacy for the leagalization of Marijuana, and his proven environmental policy. Plus, dude's got a beard.



However, I think we should also consider what a run for office by Mayor McCheese would be like. I'm thinking we would all be eating free french fries, there would be milkshakes served at city council meetings, and all city parks would be turned into McDonalds style Playlands. Plus, just look a this guy. Have you ever seen a better looking mayor?

Who would you vote for in a general election?

Craigslist Free Item of The Day: Volume 13

Wow, it's been a while since I've done one of these. I've responded to the following craigslist post claiming to be the young boy in the oil painting. If they respond, I'll post our communication.


Free oil painting of you (Seattle)

If this is you or your relative, you can have this oil painting. The little boy would be in his late 60s now.

* Location: Seattle