The Best Ad You Will Ever See

A couple of nights ago I watched a documentary about Robert Moog, inventor of the Moog synthesizer. This ad was part of the doc., and had "Admiral Ass" and I laughing for days. First off, Edd Kalehoff, the dude playing the Moog snyth. He's got so much style, look at that 'stache and those glasses. I love that after jamming out in what looks like a fucking space lab, he needs to take a break and refresh himself with a tall, cool Shaefer beer. Then the vocal part comes in, "Shaefer is the one beer to have when you're having more than one." HA! How is that for a beer slogan? Just encouraging you to get loaded!

"Grown-ups" Wearing Braces

Is it just me, or are adults that have to wear braces really fucking hilarious? Why didn't they get their teeth taken care of when they were little tykes?

Just like how kids in high school get called "brace face," or "metal mouth," I think these people should be made fun of more. So please, if you happen to see an adult wearing braces, point, laugh and make a big scene regarding how ridiculous they look.

Halloween Party 2009 Teaser

I'll be putting up more photos and stories about our Halloween party shortly, but I thought I'd start with this "bad boy." I'm so glad so many people had cameras and were taking photos, as I have absolutely no recollection of this "intimate" moment with "Fagdam."

Found Objects That Look Like Dicks!

HAHAHA! Oh man, my good pal Julie turned me onto this fantastic blog/website that features only "natural" objects that happen to resemble the male genitilia. It's known as "Accidental Dong." You should know from past blogs of mine, that I find dick humor almost as amusing as fart jokes. I'm now on a quest to find objects in nature that look like cocks, take their photo and e-mail them to whoever this is that came up with the brilliant idea for this blog. Absolutely genius!



Look closely at this cute, cuddly little fucker's nose.



I wonder if this one was set up? If some lonely fool took the time to adjust a light so they could snap the ultimate picture of the shadow of this soap bottle.

Intravenus de Milo

Spinal Tap is one hell of a movie, and this album cover is about the funniest god damn things I've ever seen. While all hung over last weekend, I was discussing the various Spinal Tap records with "Bon Joey." This may be the best, but "Shark Sandwich" is a close second.

Why is Ben Allen Eating Eskimo Snow with Yoni Wolf?

My record review for the better than average WHY? release "Eskimo Snow" is now up on Nada Mucho. Take a look and leave a comment, I want to make my editor feel like people actually read the site.

Aaron and Melanie's Wedding Reception

Since captions are the new blog articles, I'm only putting up photos with descriptions this time around.



With my stepsister Candice, getting drunk!



Playing with the pink balloon tits with my cousin Aaron, the groom.



Five minutes after this was taken, I had this hot bitch bent over in the bathroom. One of the hottest pieces of ass I've got in a while.



Playing with groom's tits. They were surprisingly firm, and only leaked a little milk.



With the bride and groom. I love that Melanie is sticking her tongue out!



Hanging out with my cousins. The girl in the black is Gina, my cousin Kevin's wife. I told Kevin no less than 10 times throughout the evening, "god damn your wife looks good!" Talk about a MILF. MILF! MILF! MILF! MILF!



Holding Aaron and Melanie's baby, "Shelby."



Group shot of a bunch (but not all) of the family.

FUN WITH "SAC ANIMALS"

Since captions are totally the new blog articles, I'm only putting up photos with descriptions this time around.



The three brothers wait patiently to gain entrance into this magical wonderland known as the "Sacramento Zoo."



"HOLY SHIT! What is this thing?"



Here's some kind of lizard with a testicle ball sac on his head. If he was my pet, I'd name him "Nut-Sac-Hat Nathan."



Some hot and heavy Koi action. Look closely in the upper left hand corner, you can see me taking the photo in the reflection on the glass. Far out man, far fucking out.



I don't remember this guy's name, but he seemed pretty cool. Not the type of guy I'd hang out with all the time, but if I saw him socially every once in a while, I'd be fine with it.



"Look at me, I'm a huge fucking blue spider. Look what I can do."



"I've got a fucking snake, man. One time I fed him some beer. He was all fucked up, he slithered this way and that."



The fam getting ready to depart.

Southwest Flight 935

Oh, this is so much better. I'm in the back row again, by the window. Same exact spot as the flight down. The difference is, there is a space between me and the other guy sitting in this row. There were two open seats on this flight, and one of them is directly to my right.



I'm so overwhelmed with joy, I look at the guy next to me and exclaim, "this is great, I'll buy you a drink." He looks at me for a second, then responds, "sure that sounds good." From there we make small talk about where we live, what we do for work, what we were doing in Sacramento, etc. He seems like an alright guy, it could be a lot worse. Now when I say I'll "buy him a drink," what I mean is I'll use my drink coupons Candice gave me. Candice is not only my step sister, but also a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines. Let's keep the source of my coupons our little secret, OK?

Jesus, I can't stop staring at the girl two seats up from me. Brunette with somewhat fashionable hair, a little too much makeup, probably 23, and about as cute as can possibly be. She has a small stud on the left side of her straight, but angular nose. Radiohead's "All I Need," is playing. The song is arguably the sexiest thing the band has ever recorded, and just adds to the lustful feelings I'm beginning to experience. She's talking to the guy next to her and I find myself zoning out, watching her mouth move and thinking impure thoughts. "Good god," I think to myself. "This girl could pass for Katy Perry's little sister." My mind wanders, and I start to fantasize an encounter with this vixen, and then. . .

"Excuse me sir, would you like something to drink?" I'm torn from my wonderful imaginary world by a doofus middle-aged attendant. I hesitate for about half a second, then say, "I want three Crown and Cokes." I expect her to laugh, shake her head in disapproval. "All for just you?" she asks. "Yes," I quickly reply. A slight grin breaks out across my face. I feel just like Hunter S. Thompson. We stare at each other for a second, the she says, "OK then, that will be $15. I hand her a booklet of drink tickets, good for all three drinks. I persuade my neighbor to get a cocktail. "Why not," I say, "you're on vacation still."

The piggy attendant brings the four drinks and puts them on the tray between us. I look over at my neighbor and say, "I'm going to enjoy myself on this flight. . .mark my words."

Southwest Flight 3435

At 20,000 feet now. I'm in the back row by the window, completely packed in like a sardine by two men of equal or greater size.



I'm Listening to Deerhunter's "Microcastle." It's a truly remarkable album on its own, and right now my listening experience is enhanced by tiny lights beneath wispy clouds to my left, and the magnificent orange and red glow of a Fall sunset to my right. Bradford Cox is singing "comfort me, cover me," over and over on second track "Agoraphobia." A cute, chipmunk-faced flight attendant vaguely resembling Thea, a college roommate, offers me a drink. I politely decline as trying to get up out of this seat to take a piss sounds like too heavy a task. Across from me, an Indian baby is crying, definitely not enjoying these friendly skies. A man attendant walks by, wearing a too small Southwest polo shirt that unnecessarily emphasizes his man boobs. I giggle immaturely to myself at the phrase "man boobs." I'd like to buy him a "bro" for support, I think to myself. A little Seinfeld reference running through my head.

"We're now at our cruising altitude, and I've taken off the seat belt sign. You're free to move around the cabin, but we do ask that you keep your seat belt fastened while seated. We're about 438 miles out from the Sacramento airport, and we should be touching down in exactly one hour, right about our scheduled arrival time. Weather is Sacramento is a nice 79 degrees, clear, with slight winds out of the southwest. Sit back and enjoy your flight."



Try to guess what's going on in this low res photo. Hint: It's on the plane.

Alright. One more hour of this. I'll just close my eyes and try some transcendental meditation.

LEAVE ME SOME FUCKING COMMENTS!!!

Now I know there's literally dozens of folks that like to read my blog. If you're taking time to read it, why not spend like 10 more seconds and leave a comment, sharing your feelings for the whole world to see? It's been well established how much I love (and get off on) feedback from my loyal readers, so come on and hook me up!

"Oh Yeah, That Fucker's Coming Out!"

I have a friend we'll call "Bagel" who likes to play a fun, drunken game. While walking home from a drinking establishment while heavily intoxicated, "Bagel" likes to test the durability of various signs. Be it a stop sign, street sign, or business sign, they're each given a good shake, and if loose enough in the ground, they get yanked out. It's also very important to yell the phrase, "oh yeah, this fucker's coming out" if the sign in question feels like it will pull right up. Now, you can only perform this task if you're blacked out drunk, and will most likely not remember committing the crime the following morning. It also is one of the most hilarious acts you'll ever witness - right up there with drunkenly jumping into your neighbor's "large bush."



So, I got to work this morning and the stop sign right in front of my office was laying in the brush. A smile broke across my face, and I said aloud to no one in particular, "fuck yeah, Bagel's been here!"

Beautiful Sky Vistas

I took this photo in my backyard last night. That's gangsta.

WHY? WHY? Do I Do This To Myself? WHY?

About three months ago I got a promo copy of the new WHY? record, "Eskimo Snow." Being the ridiculous fanatic I am, you can imagine how excited I was to have the whole album months before it's release to the general public. Between that time and this last weekend, I listened to the album in its entirety an estimated 368 times. Needless to say, I absorbed the record and was ready to write my review. That review, by the way, will be up on Nada Mucho within the next few days if you'd like to take look. Anyway, I spent a few hours over the weekend trying to put into words my feelings regarding the release. I can't say it's the best thing they've ever done, but I love it nonetheless. I'm on the guest list for their Vera Project show coming up on the 14th. If you live in Seattle, I HIGHLY recommend you attend this event. Read over the review and give me some creative criticism. Or, just criticize me, I don't care either way.



Why? Eskimo Snow
An Album Review by Ben Allen

"This record is really the least hip-hop out of anything I've ever been involved with." Yoni Wolf, lead vocalist/songwriter for the group Why?, recently said about his latest release "Eskimo Snow." Starting with 2005's "Elephant Eyelash," Why? has gradually made the transition from post-rap into a full fledged indie-art-rock folk group.

Surprisingly, the record was recorded at the same time as last year's release "Alopecia" during an intensely creative period of output in the winter of 2007. As the writing and recording progressed, the band realized they had two separate, distinct sounding albums on their hands. "This seems like the next step from "Alopecia" in some kind of thought-life of the character," Wolf said.

Upon first listen, you'd be hard pressed to find a track on "Eskimo Snow" as infectious as the post-pop of "Alopecia's" "Fatalist Palmistry" or "Elephant Eyelash's" "Gemini (Birthday Song)." "Eskimo Snow's" material for the most part has a more subdued, almost introverted feeling to it. First single, "The Blackest Purse," is a swelling, passionate piano ballad that wouldn't sound too out of place on a Ben Folds record. The song peaks with the chorus, "Should our hero's hands be holding this blackest purse? Mom, Am I failing or worse?" "Into the Shadows of My Embrace" is both the standout track of the record as well as a milestone in Why?'s musical evolution. "I conquered my own childhood silence and now the world is my lit confessional marquee," Wolf sings over a 60's teen-bop groove. From there, the track picks up momentum, gently chugging along until it reaches it apex. "I wish I could feel close to somebody, but I don't feel nothin'," Wolf yelps. "Now they say I need to quit doing all this random fffff. . ." stopping himself short before dropping the "F bomb." The song closes with over a minute of the band beating a riff into submission while letting their guitars get noisy and weird.

An increased confidence in musicianship is evident throughout the record. At times, the songs sound full, bordering on orchestral (see the last half of "On Rose Walk, Insomniac"), but more often are appropriately stripped down and intimate (see the title track, and album opener "These Hands"). Often the sound of the lone Wolf's howl (pun intended) is accompanied by only a piano or a delicately plucked guitar. Wolf remains the focus but has surrounded himself with extremely capable players (brother Josiah, Doug Mcdiarmid and Austin Brown), providing a musical canvas for him to lyrically splatter paint all over.

There's a sense of dark despair this time through, with Wolf's surreal lyrical approach mostly lacking his trademark sense of ironic humor. He's depressed, but not whining about it. On the title track, you hear Yoni compare the way Eskimos have many different words for snow to "all of my words for sadness." When he gently sings, "I’m under something black and thicker than a sheet for ghosts or the first feet of snow,” his sincerity is unmistakable. He's also still willing to make candid confessions most would reserve only for their best friend or therapist. "Now I think my upstairs neighbor hears me masturbating," he says on "Into the Shadows of My Embrace." There's still content that appears to just be free association weirdness such as, "sex can make you younger and older at the same time," or "it’d take a busload of high school soccer girls to wash these hospitals off me." Some of the appeal to longtime fans is Wolf's cryptic lyrical content that keeps you rewinding the disc to figure out what the hell he's trying to get across.

The last track finds Wolf repeating the line, ". . .and I'm still here," and we should be glad he is. While not necessarily a definitive career statement, "Eskimo Snow" serves as a testament to a band still finding itself, exploring the possibilities of what will be. Truly, "Eskimo Snow" seems like an acknowledgement of the gap between the supreme brilliance of "Alopecia" and wherever Why? is heading next.

Why? will be appearing live at The Vera Project with Mt. Eerie and No Kids. Wednesday, October 14th. 7:30 PM
$13 Advance tickets are available through TICKETWEB

Fun With Dress Up Clothes or Halloween Auditions Part One

My pal Lotus came over this afternoon and almost immediately got into our box of "dress up clothes." Most of the shit is left over Halloween costumes for guests that arrive at our annual party with nothing on. Anyway, Lotus tried on various wigs and costumes, and Joey and I got in on the action.



Pictured Left to Right:

Ben wears fat lady floral thrift store dress $3. Red Feather Boa $8. 1970's era wig inherited from Mom FREE.
Lotus wears Santa hat from HT market $9. Red and white stuffed monkey $14.
Joey wears Monk robe costume $28. Sombrero inherited from Fagdam FREE.