For Those About to Love Stuff. . .We Salute You!

This sign was attached to a wall on the drive-thru section of a fast food restaurant. Now, it's been well established by now that inspired by my friend Bagel, I've developed a huge appreciation for "stuff." I am going to embark on a quest to find the individual that put up this sign and do "stuff" with them!

Talladega Nights

A couple of my favorite scenes from the most important work of cinema in our time.



"I SPREAD MY BUTT CHEEKS AS MIKE HONCHO."

Difficult Editor

I've just written what I consider to be a pretty solid article on Tim Kasher, front man for the bands Cursive and The Good Life. You'll be able to see it soon on Nada Mucho and in the "old school" print magazine Savage Henry.

Anyway, after submitting the article to my editor, I urged him to publish it as soon as possible, as the guy is playing this weekend.

The following in our unedited text exchange:

Ben: OK, I've sent it. Would be dope if you could "get it up," soon. Need to borrow some Viagra?

Matt: I'll get that piece up tonight and then cyberfuck the shit out of it!

Ben: Jesus God, man! You're outrageous. Although when I see that bitch up on Nada, I might jizz all over the screen.

Ben: What 'cha got on that, homie?

Matt: Perfect. The your Mom can lick the screen clean and make out with your sister.

Ben: Sick. Your Mom can come by and cram the mouse up her ass while masturbating to the Nada site.

Matt: OK, you win :)

Ben: That was fun. Now get to work!!!

Erection Dollar

Wow, this really made my day. While at the bakery across the street from my work this morning, I pulled out a random dollar bill. Imagine my amusement and excitement when I saw that the innocent word "one" had been turned into the far superior word "BONER." I can't believe I'd never thought of that before! I guess I'll have no choice but to head to the bank, withdrawal 100 crisp dollar bills, and get to marking them up. I really want more of these in circulation!

Kanye West: Brilliant Artist or Self Absorbed Douche Bag?

I was thrilled to find out recently that Kanye West chose the above image for his new album, "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy." Unfortunately, the "powers that be," deemed this artwork too offensive and will not allow it to grace the cover of his new album.

It brings up an interesting question though. Why would Kanye even want this to be his cover art? Sure, it features a naked, winged chick with some type of dog's tail, but it also looks like it was painted by a pervy 11 year old boy. I'm hoping this is a sign that Kanye will Advance, maybe in about 10 years. If he keeps staying true to his own "unique" vision, infuriating his fan base, and wearing leather jackets and dark shades, then the chances are very real for him to join the ranks of "Advanced artist." Either that or he's so arrogant he thinks anything he creates is brilliant and worthy of his fans admiration.

Nazi Halloween Dawgz

This is JJ, my friend from work's dog. He's some type of terrier, I think. After trying on a number of costumes for the upcoming Halloween holiday, JJ chose this nice little hippie outfit. The "squirrel" and "pterodactyl" weren't quite as appealing as this little hippie getup. It's hard to notice, but JJ's got a wig on as well; it sort of just blends in with his hair. He's already got a fine looking beard too, perfect for that "plaza dweller" look.

What I like most about this photo though is the unintentional Nazi salute. I'm hoping the arm just happened to stick up that way, and JJ's not actually a big Hitler fan.

Wepeel: Another Exclusive Interview with Front Man CJ Stewart

There have been a few Weezer related items in the news recently, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to discuss them with noted Weezer fanatic and leader of Weezer tribute band “Wepeel,” CJ Stewart.

Note: While conducting this interview, I had a great e-mail exchange with CJ regarding the correct spelling of the word “punani. “ So for all you punani fans out there, it’s originally an Indian word, and can be spelled either “punani,” or “punany.”

Ben: So, let’s talk about this tour Weezer is planning where they will perform the entirety of the Blue Album the first night, then all of Pinkerton the second. Do you think they’re acknowledging the fact that those are the only two albums anyone cares about?

CJ: I do. How could they not know that? Unless they are so knee deep in punani that they can’t think straight.

Ben: How are things going with Weepel, anyway? Do you guys have any shows lined up?

CJ: Things are going fantastic; we just signed to Sub Pop and are taking our covers worldwide. We have a fuck-load of shows coming up. They are mostly overseas.

Ben: Have you ever thought of contacting Matt Sharp (former Weezer bassist)? He’s probably not doing much these days, and could be down to join Wepeel?

CJ: Well I have talked to him before; I finagled my way into interviewing him years ago by pretending I wrote for a magazine. He didn’t seem very interested in joining. I hung up on him after calling him an effhead. He took it well.

Ben: Maybe you should try again? I mean hell, with your lucrative new record contract and international dates; he should be thrilled at the opportunity!

CJ: Perhaps I will give it a shot. Maybe you can come up with some better questions as well. Fuck.

Ben: Have you met anyone in Humboldt that loves Weezer more than you? Perhaps you can get them to join your band?

CJ: Judging by our show attendance, everyone in Humboldt loves Weezer more than me. I wouldn’t want anyone that likes Weezer to join the band since Weezer fucking sucks and so do people that like them.

Ben: Man, you've really tricked the masses into buying into this Weezer myth. So it's safe to say at this point, you're continuing to perform only ironically?

CJ: People are sheep Ben, you know? I slap on some glasses and rock the shit out of my guitar and these fucktards love me. Isn’t that ironic? (Just kidding Wepeel fans, I love you and want to have sex with each and every one you).

Ben: Do you think Rivers Cuomo and company still think they’re making great art, or they’ve come to terms with the fact that they’re creating corporate dick-cheese pop to pay the bills?

CJ: I think Rivers should have died in 1996. I mean what if Kurt Cobain was still making music? It would suck balls. To answer your question, eff no.

Ben: Yeah, I often wonder what Kurt Cobain would be doing now. I'd guess he'd be recording collaborations with Fall Out Boy for iPod commercials.

CJ: Yes. He would probably record with Lil Wayne too, like Rivers did. Lil Wayne calls himself “weez” and he sucks. Coincidence?

Ben: Do you ever feel like Rivers is fucking with you by releasing such terrible music?

CJ: I take it as a personal slap in the face. If I ever meet him again I will surely kick him in the nuts, and eff his hot Asian wife. And I’m not even into Asians.

Ben: A guy in Seattle named James Burns has started a campaign to raise ten million dollars to pay Weezer in exchange for their retirement from music. I find this hilarious and brilliant, are you going to throw down a few bucks?

CJ: Not only do I fully support this campaign, but I was recently forced to file for bankruptcy due to my contribution to this wonderful cause.

Ben: Well you have been amazing as usual CJ, I truly appreciate everything you do. You are a real humanitarian and a killer fucking dude, bro. I'm lucky to know a celebrity of your magnitude and I bow in your presence.

CJ: I know.

Just Chillin Out on Vacation

You may (or may not) have noticed that I haven't updated this in a little while. There's plenty of excuses; binge drinking in Vegas with rock stars, writing lots for Nada Mucho and Savage Henry Mag, and all other types of ill shit. If you really love reading my rants, you can stop by Humboldt County's finest comedy/pop culture mag "Savage Henry" every Friday where I have a column. I suppose that's why I haven't been writing as much here - I'm "spreading the love" a little bit.

See ya soon.

Magnificent Birthday

I celebrated the beginning of my 32nd year of existence this previous week. When I say "celebrate," I really do mean "celebrate." What I thought would be a low key evening of Thai food and early night, ended with me drunkenly eating cake with french braids in my hair, while wearing a Snuggie at 2 in the morning. Yikes! Please enjoy this little photo journal from the evening.


Look at me, I'm a crazy zebra wizard!!!


Tawon Thai with da whole posse, represent bitch!


The kindly waitress brought me over a couple of big scoops of ice cream, which I turned into a fine looking accidental dong.


Tim brought me Dots. "I fucking love Dots."


I have no idea who this is, really. Pretty sure it was the bartender at the Dubliner, from what I remember, she was nice.


Drunk later in the night, I put on my Snuggie and enjoyed a fine piece of cake. Delicious!

Hot Tub Dick Machine

A few weeks back I was privileged enough to enjoy a weekend out at my friend's time share condo in Kala Point, near Port Townshend, WA. I really feel this photo sums up the whole experience. Adam's head is thrown back in ecstasy as I pleasure him orally underneath the water. I also like the "Jessie," Adam's girlfriend was the photographer. Apparently she doesn't mind a little man on man love. HAHA!

Lick That Chocolate Nip Nip!!!

I love receiving "anonymous" photos of funny shit in my inbox. The other day my friend who we'll call "Judy," sent me this photo of an "accidental tit." Seeing as it was ice cream, I'm sure she savored the flavor as she dipped the delicious black nipple in her mouth, Hilarious!

Thanks "Judy," and keep those photos "coming."

Best Album Cover of 2010?

I came across this album cover on indie music site Pitchfork today. The year's not over, so the jury is still out, but this might be a contender for "album cover of the year." Look at that little kitty cat, he's all ready for space exploration! I know nothing about Klaxons, or this album "Surfing The Void," but I'm tempted to go out and buy it just based on the hilarious cover.



As far as "worst cover of 2010" candidates go, this Jeff Beck album is an early front runner. It's almost so bad, it's good. This looks like something you would see airbrushed on the side of a 1978 Chevy van. What was he thinking?

That's One Hell of a Banana You Got There!!!

This has to be my favorite news stories of the whole year. I'll include all of The Seattle Times story below, but let me sum up this situation for you:

A couple of drunken buffoons get drunk as shit early in the day. They decide it would be fun to go driving around wearing a child's banana costume and expose their dicks to a woman eating in a Wendy's restaurant. They then proceed to drive to a ranch yelling incoherently while brandishing a shot gun. Holy shit, let's make a movie out of this! HA!

The Seattle Times Report:

Clallam County sheriff's deputies on Tuesday arrested a man dressed in a child's banana costume after he allegedly exposed himself to a woman at a Port Angeles restaurant.

According to the Peninsula Daily News, Carlton Jeffery Kohnert, 21, is suspected of exposing himself to a woman at a Port Angeles Wendy's restaurant and then driving through Four Seasons Ranch brandishing a shotgun. He was arrested for investigation of reckless endangerment, aiming or discharging a weapon and indecent exposure, Clallam County sheriff's Sgt. Randy Pieper tells the Daily News.

Pieper said Kohnert didn't offer much of an explanation for the yellow banana costume. "All we know is he was drinking earlier in the day, but he didn't really have a reason for the costume," Pieper told the Daily News.

My New Look

You may have noticed my blog looks a little different. I chose a format and font that I thought was easy to read, and concise. As tempted as I was to use photos of dragons, fire, laser beans and a bunch of other weird shit, I ultimately decided to just leave it nice and simple.

I'm all for feedback though. What do you think?

Use Drugs and Alcohol if You Wanna!

I drive by this sign on a daily basis and always got a good chuckle out of it. I absolutely love what the zero in quotations implies. I mean, they don't want you to use drugs and alcohol on the premises, but if you do, it's kind of hush hush. Wink wink.

I'm going to submit this photo to the wonderful "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks and see if they'll put it up.

Celebrity Twins: Number 6

An "associate" of mine at work was discussing "Goodspaceguy" with me and pointed out the fact that he "looks like Bunsen from The Muppets." I think she was right on with the comparison. By the way, who's your favorite Muppet? I always like Beaker, he couldn't really speak English, but made some pretty funny sounds while Bunsen was doing experiments.


Ah, that crazy Beaker!

Celebrity Twins: Number 5

It was brought to my attention that the lawyer at my work very much resembles Candice Bergen, actress from the television series "Murphy Brown." I kind of see the resemblance, but maybe it's just that whole "smiling business woman" in a suit look?

Celebrity Twins: Number 4

A little while back, I received an "anonymous tip" that my dear friend Bryan Chapple resembles one of the Jonas Brothers. I really don't see it, but I'd be interested for your feedback. I mean hell, Bryan's sexy, but he's not THAT sexy.


Man, these guys are TOOLS!

Damn That Thing Is Small!!!

Today, I received a shipment from China from an individual named "Minnie Wang." I envision a 450 pound dude with a 1/2 inch penis. But, that's just me.

Goodspaceguy RULES!

The more I learn about Michael "Goodspaceguy" Nelson, the more I like him. He might be described as slightly "eccentric," but shit, we've had worse politicians in office. I think today might be the deadline to mail in the ballot for Washington's elections, but I'm going to try to get mine in, as I really do want to support this dude.

He has a vision of the future, and I'm right there with him! He makes good points about the progress of space exploration, or the lack thereof. It seems that NASA has really stalled in their efforts to colonize the moon and planets, let alone get more space stations up there, and do more expolration. Goodspaceguy recognizes this, and wants to light a fire under their asses.



Take this classic video clip. Goodspaceguy compares King County's public transportation to a "high class hooker," then talks about "sky homes" as the future of cutting down on transportation. Sweet!

A Birthday Wish

My birthday is only 25 days away, and I would really like this shirt. You can buy it here. Thank you.

Don't Touch the Accidental Dick!

I received this photo a few days back in my inbox.

Upon opening the e-mail, I thought to myself, "that is one fine looking ACCIDENTAL DONG!"

EdStock 2010!!!

The annual party put on by Ed Andrea is this weekend, Saturday, August 14th in Sultan, WA. Last year was a great time with tons of live music, great food, drinking, camping and other "stuff."


Friends watch Bear Driving Car perform last year.

I'll be sure to "document" this year's EdStock. Let me know if you're interested in attending!

Harry Hwang

Today, I noticed that the next name on the list for a driver that delivers for a company called IDT was a guy who goes by:

"Dr. Harry Hwang."

That is all.

More Weird Al News!

I found this interesting little bit of information about the legendary "Weird Al" Yankovich:

"On August 28, 2009, Rolling Stone magazine released a fan poll that had asked readers to list their choices for who most deserves to be enshrined in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Weird Al was the overwhelming choice, ranking first, followed by Rush and The Moody Blues in the top ten."

How fantastic is that? "Weird Al" was the "overwhelming choice, ranking first."

People love this guy!

VOTE GOOD SPACE GUY 2010!!!

While thumbing through my Washington State voter's pamphlet yesterday, I came across a candidate for the office of U.S. Senate named "GoodSpaceGuy." Seriously, that's it - he's had his name legally changed to "GoodSpaceGuy." Upon reading his bio, he mentions some of his qualifications; "Nonsmoking, nondrinking, prosperous, healthy Goodspaceguy."


Goodspaceguy looking like some type of child molesting high school principal

Oh, but it gets better. Basically he's campaigning on an agenda that we should be colonizing space, creating orbiting space stations around Earth, the moon and Mars. I thought a little about this, and he's got a very good point - instead of wasting billions of dollars in the Middle East fighting skirmishes we shouldn't have been involved in in the first place, we could be increasing NASA's funding and seeing if orbital colonization is a viable option.

Goodspaceguy is also a huge advocate of employment and job creation, especially for the homeless. He wants homeless people to work in state parks and in the library for minimum wage - it would allow libraries to be open more hours. HA!

More importantly, Goodpsaceguy is absolutely bat shit crazy, and I love him for that. I also love that in our country literally ANYONE can run for public office.


"Mike The Mover" looking like a stoned sheep herder

There's another guy named "Mike The Mover" running for the same seat as Goodspaceguy. Mike The Mover's rambling statement in the pamphlet included references to Wall Street executives vacationing at "Disney World & White Sulfur Springs." He also talks about Americans wasting money on "boob jobs."


Goodspaceguy's rambling, barely coherent closing statements in an interview on PBS.

Jesus Christ, can we please set up a debate between these two guys?

Me and My Advisor: Episode II: Return of The Teacher

The following short story is very loosely based on true events relayed to me by a close friend. This piece serves as the sequel to the original written about a year ago. I was so excited and inspired upon hearing this tale I had no choice but to imagine the events of the evening written in a format that could be submitted to Penthouse Forum. Enjoy.



Ever since my hot and wild encounter last Summer with my adviser "Brian," I've often thought of our night of wild and passionate sex. I'll often see him around the Western campus and flash him a sly, knowing smile which he returns. You see, with his status as a tenured professor and me being a student our sexual relations would be greatly frowned upon, and possibly be grounds for his termination. I had given up hope of more raw, nasty sex when I happened to see Brian in the quad one day. He came up to me and put a note in my hand, pretending to shake it. "You looking for some more deep dick action? Call me tonight," it read.

I arrived at Brian's around 7. During our brief phone conversation, he informed me that his kids were visiting and he wanted to cook some chicken fettuccine and have a low key evening at home. As it was not really alright for us to be seen in public together, dinner at his place sounded perfect.

I had brought a bottle of wine, and because I was slightly nervous ended up drinking most of the bottle myself while we sat and casually chatted and ate. After dinner we cleaned up and retired to the den where we watched "Shrek 2" with Brian's two little girls, Rose and Sierra. At this point it was about nine, and Brian said, "looks like it's about time for you girls to hit the sack." After a little complaining and whining we tucked the girls in and returned to the den. We chatted and caught up while drinking more wine and listening to some classical music. It was Mozart, I think.

"You know Joanna I've thought a lot about you ever since we had that one fuck fest," Brian said. I smiled and blushed, feeling the area between my legs beginning to get moist. "No one has to know about this, and the fact that it's forbidden makes it that much more appealing in my eyes," he continued. His hand gently began stroking my inner thigh while I stared longingly into my eyes. "I want you so fucking bad," he exclaimed. "What about your kids?," I replied. I don't want to wake them up." "They can sleep through anything, don't worry," he said in a reassuring tone.

I couldn't take it anymore. I was helpless to his advances. Brian leaned in and begin lightly kissing my neck, all the while slowly inching his hand up to my eager beaver. He quickly pulled my t-shirt off and unhooked my bra. "Suck on my nipples," I pleaded. Brian obliged and gently teased my hard nips with flicks of his tongue. I leaned down and opened his fly, pulling out his hard throbbing member. As you may remember from last time, blow jobs are my specialty, and my mouth worked his cock like I was a desperate whore. "Bend me over this couch and fuck my little pussy," I heavily panted, temporarily forgetting the sleeping children. Brian didn't hesitate one second, yanking my short Summer skirt up and hastily pulling aside my cute blue thong. His dick entered me and I let out a cry. "Oh god yeah, that feels good. Stretch out my little pussy," I said. He started out slow, then worked up to a frantic pace, pummeling my twat as I fought the urge to scream.

Suddenly, Brian had one thrust that was a little too hard, and managed to knock me over the back of the couch. I fell into a heap, too caught up in the moment to feel any type of pain. I lay on my back for only a second before Brian literally jumped over the couch, landed on top of me and re-entered his dick, all in one swift motion. I couldn't take any more, and yelled out, "god. . .yeah. . .fuck me. . .I'm gonna cum!!!" Brian slammed my eager hole with reckless abandon as I felt my whole body shudder with orgasm. I had completely forgotten about the sleeping children at this point and was making a deep, howling sound like a wolf. "Oh fuck yeah, I'm going to cum too," Brian blurted out. He pulled out of my wet snatch and let his seed spray all over my face. It tasted deliciously salty, and felt so warm and good.

I looked at Brian, smiled and said "I think I really want to earn more extra credit. . .maybe we can work on a project together weekly." "Well you've certainly earned high marks on this 'research project'," he replied. We both giggled and embraced, exhausted from the rough living room romp.

Goat Yelling In English!

Man, I didn't know Goats knew how to speak English, man! It sounds like he's yelling "Mom, Mom, Mom!" If this was my goat I would teach him to scream "Fuck me in the goat ass! Arrrggggghhhhhh!"

Engrish is Funny!

Today at work I received an "auto response" e-mail from a coworker that is on vacation and happens to be of the Asian persuasion. The e-mail read:

"Min take vacation until April 23 Re: delivery attempt"

I love when Asian interpretation of English is just slightly off like this. I often go shopping at "HT Market" near my house, which caters to a lot of Asian and "ethnic" groceries. Same thing there, the instructions on imported products will be in English, but totally incorrect.

There's also a great site that features exclusively fucked up Asian-English translations called Engrish Funny. I don't know what do you think, is this better than Accidental Dong?

Jack White Needs Some Sun

At the risk of turning into "Perez Hilton," I thought it would be fun to make fun of celebrities on my blog from time to time. I saw The Dead Weather on Sunday at The Capitol Hill Block Party and couldn't help but notice how pale Jack White is. Jesus, what's wrong with him? Is he shooting drugs? Afraid of the sun? He looks like a cross between Edward Scissorhands and Michael Jackson. His music is pretty excellent, though. It was cool to see him drumming in The Dead Weather.

That Baby's Gonna Blow. . .Take Cover

I stumbled upon this "car artwork" this weekend while walking around on Seattle's beautiful waterfront. It was funny to me that there were so many tourists passing by, with families, older folks, etc. I'd like to meet the person who did this drawing. I like to think that it was a random fella that goes around drawing dicks on cars all over town. Hell, maybe it's the kid from the movie Superbad. HA!

Double Rainbow Ecstasy

By now, I expect a good number of you have already seen this "viral clip." When I first saw this early last week it had something like 300,000 views on YouTube. As I am posting this 6 days later it has almost 3.5 million views. Holy shit!

"It's so bright! Oh my God, it's so bright and vivid! It's so beautiful! What does this mean?"

What can I say though? I absolutely love this. I like how he is genuinely moved by the beauty of the rainbow. The last time I became this emotional was when I saw "Hot Tub Time Machine" in the theater. Boo yah!

World's Best Designated Driver

This is a photo from last Friday when I was "designated driver." Please note I have a beer in each hand, and one in front of me.

Like they say, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."

81 Days From Now

Sonic Youth at The Fillmore in January. I took this photo!


Pavement at Sasquatch! Festival the last weekend of May. I took this photo!

It's only been six months since I've seen Sonic Youth and less than two months since I saw Pavement, but I am counting down the days until I head to Vegas. For those of you keeping track (and I think that only includes me, and maybe Bagel), there are exactly 81 days until I will be living out my rock and roll fantasies.

The Ben Allen & Max Rebo Experience

I'm looking to start a new band with Max Rebo. You may remember him as the leader of the “alien pop music band” that performed exclusively in-house for crime lord Jabba the Hutt. You know, the blue elephant guy.

If you have any contact information for him, or know his manager, please let me know know ASAP.

The Vague Prophets Circa 2007

I just found this photo of the original incarnation of The Vague Prophets circa 2007. I still get very saddened and nostalgic whenever I come across photos of Nick. The two year anniversary of his death was May 4th. I miss the guy in a big way. He was my roommate, band mate and one of my best friends. Love ya, buddy!


This is the tribute video I made for Nick's wake. It features photos covering his whole life, but focusing on the time I knew him in Seattle. The music is all by The Vague Prophets.

Matador Turns 21 in Vegas!

In some major HOLY FUCK news, I bought 1 of only 2100 tickets available for this music extravaganza the first weekend of October. I was sold on Sonic Youth, Pavement and Guided By Voices on the same bill, so the fact that Belle & Sebastian, Yo La Tengo, Cat Power, Girls, Fucked Up and Harlem are all playing is just a mind-fuckingly awesome bonus! I don't have a flight or hotel booked yet, but my friends Jensen, Michelle and Bagel all got tickets as well so I won't be "lonely."

This three day weekend of performances showcases some of the best talent from Matador Records and their 21 year history. It is exceptionally notable for being the first Guided By Voices show since they "broke up" back in 2004. Holy fuck.

Jason Hartley Interview

***PLEASE NOTE - This is an unedited version of an article/interview that will be featured in several different publications both physical and online. As I have had this finished for about two weeks now, I couldn't stand "sitting on it" and longer, and wanted to "get it out there" for someone to read. I would really appreciate any and all feedback. Thanks.***

Interview with Jason Hartley

Have you ever wondered how Lou Reed could release a double album of nothing but guitar noise and feedback and expect it to advance his career? What the hell Bob Dylan was thinking doing a television spot for Victoria's Secret? What would motivate Brian Wilson to release a rap song entitled “Smart Girls” in the late 80’s? Your immediate reaction may be something along the lines of "most artists occasionally create work that sucks, and don't always make the best decisions." I too, felt this way for many years.

Now, what would you say if you discovered a theory that would allow you to appreciate all work by your favorite artists? Twenty years ago Jason Hartley did just that. In 1990, he and his friend Britt developed The Theory while dining at a Pizza Hut. Although he has been writing and talking about The Theory for years, he gained an increased level of exposure when Chuck Klosterman published an article attempting to explain The Theory in Esquire Magazine in 2004.

Recently, Simon & Schuster published Hartley's first book, “The Advanced Genius Theory: Are They Out of Their Minds or Ahead of Their Time?” I spoke with Hartley to help explain further what all this means and if The Theory is for real.


Jason with his child

Ben Allen: See if you can explain Advancement Theory in 30 words or less. Go.

Jason Hartley: There are certain artists who are so good for so long that it is foolish to dismiss them, no matter how out of touch, ridiculous, or crazy they may seem.

BA: That was exactly 30 words, nice work!

JH: I’ve been talking about it for almost 20 years, so I’ve had a lot of practice.

BA: Don't you think it's possible that even geniuses create sub par work on occasion? What about when they retrospectively declare their previous efforts as "garbage?"

JH: First of all, never trust a genius, especially an Advanced Genius, when they talk about themselves. Not only do they lie all the time, they also are judging their work from their own Advanced perspective. That’s why they talk disparagingly about their work (except for their latest work, which they inevitably describe as the best they’ve ever done).

Answering the first half of your question second, it is possible for geniuses to create sub par work. But “sub par work” by Advanced Geniuses is more interesting than other artists’ well-received output. Of course the trick is identifying when an Advanced Artist does actual sub par work because we are so behind them in terms of our ability to understand them. Ten years ago, no one would have argued with you if you said that Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music was worthless, but now people are starting to get the hang of what he was doing. So maybe the Advanced never do sub par work. I guess the point is that I don’t think many of us are in position to judge.

BA: What is it about sunglasses, mullets and leather that the Advanced find so appealing?

JH: Very good question; there is definitely something mystical about that combination. Unfortunately I am not Advanced, so I just see these as outdated symbols of rebellion.

BA: So you’re saying it’s impossible for “normal people” to understand an advanced artist’s sense of style?

JH: I guess I am saying that, yes. It might be more accurate to say that we don't understand the "why" of their style.

BA: Tell us what it means to be "overt." Who are some of the most overt artists of all time?

JH: Overt, in its original sense, meant simply that someone is obviously trying to be weird. Think green Mohawk. An Overt artist is someone whose intentions are easily understood. For instance, artists who depend on shock value are extremely Overt because shocking people takes very little imagination. Marilyn Manson is a great example of a purely Overt artist. The stuff he did to shock people back in the day now seems quaint, but if you look at, say, Andy Warhol’s soup cans, they are still shocking. (Even when the Advanced are Overt, they’re still pretty Advanced.) So Manson was just trying to be weird, while Warhol was actually being weird.

But remember that the Advanced go through an Overt phase. Lou Reed was very Overt when he was in The Velvet Underground. Radiohead is still Overt, but they’ve made great albums. Overt isn’t bad, it’s just obvious. Sometimes obvious is wonderful.

BA: What kind of album would Radiohead need to release in order to Advance?

JH: If I can predict it, then it’s not Advanced. And, of course, they would have to break up because a band can’t Advance.

BA: Does anyone who creates art have the potential to Advance, or is it just something they're born with?

JH: Pretty sure you’re born with it, but I’ll say that any genius who is innovative, makes great art for 15 years, enrages their core audience, and maybe wears a leather jacket on top of it all has the potential. But the thing to remember is that you must, must, must do incredible work for a long time to be considered.

BA: I've encountered a lot of resistance and even hostility while trying to explain The Theory to others. How do you respond to these folks? What is it about the theory that is so upsetting?

JH: A few reasons. Some people feel like I’m making a mockery of good taste (which I sort of am). Others think that I’m devaluing their favorite artists’ good work by celebrating the “bad stuff.” People don’t like to be told that they’re wrong or that someone is smarter than they are (I’m not smarter, the Advanced are). I think, though, that a part of it, perhaps a large part of it, is that people sense that there is more truth to it than they’d like to admit. It’s like when you’re writing a novel, and you’re 250 pages in, and someone gives you a valid comment that forces you to go back and basically rewrite the whole thing. The book is better, but you still hate the guy for a while.

BA: Isn’t a little pretentious to explain music being brilliant just because the general public isn’t smart enough to understand it?

JH: Only slightly less pretentious than dismissing an album by Bob Dylan.

BA: You're in a room alone with Lou Reed. He's strumming a tiny, headless electric guitar, wearing impenetrably dark glasses, and a skin tight leather jacket. What do you say to him?

JH: What is the best doo-wop group you’ve ever heard, and is it possible to find that group’s record anywhere?

BA: Really? That’s it? You’ve got the opportunity to pick arguably the most Advanced human on Earth’s brain and all you want to ask him about is doo-wop groups?

JH: It’s the only thing I can think of that might generate an honest (and not hostile) response. Plus, I don’t know much about doo-wop.


The cover of the book

BA: How has the response been to your book? Are you finding there's many new converts to The Theory?

JH: Response has been almost universally positive, though I got some funny negative comments when I did a piece for the New York Times book blog. My favorite is “One word for this ‘theory’: retarded.” Another commenter wrote that is obvious that I’m not a musician, even though I’ve been a musician for about 25 years. But those are exceptions. Usually people embrace The Theory because it is about embracing things rather than rejecting them, which is sort of rare. (Notice I don’t say “these days” because it has always been that way). The thing is that all of us secretly enjoy things that violate our own personal aesthetic—guilty pleasures—and though secrets are fun to have, it’s also nice to unburden yourself and declare for all to hear that “Take Me Home” by Phil Collins makes you feel like crying because it is so beautiful.

BA: How sincere are you about all of this? Is there a certain element of humor inherent with The Theory? How can you honestly say you appreciate Sting’s late career smooth jazz phase?

JH: I don’t say that. I say that it’s possible to appreciate it, but I haven’t gotten there yet. But I’m 100% sincere, even when I’m joking.

BA: Once an artist has become Advanced, is it possible for them to create "overt" works of art?

JH: No, though it appears Overt. The reason it isn’t Overt is because you don’t know why they are doing something Overt because they are Advanced. It may SEEM like you know—often people will say that they are trying to appeal to a younger audience or have “returned to form”—but they always end up surprising you with their next move.

BA: Who is the most Advanced Star Wars character?

JH: Obi Wan. Rebellious Jedi, recluse, reunites with the son of his old friend (like Led Zeppelin playing with Jason Bonham), lets himself be killed by Darth Vader making us think, “No!” and turning out to be right the end. What’d you think, Jar-Jar?

BA: Nah, George Lucas including Jar Jar in Phantom Menace was an Advanced move on his part, but the actual character seems Overt. What about Chewbacca?

JH: Exactly what I was thinking. As for Chewbacca, I’m going to have to say no because he’s just a sideman. Max Rebo is the real deal, though. *

*For those of us who are not complete nerds, or editors of Savage Henry Magazine, I did a little research and discovered that “Max Rebo” was the leader of the “alien pop music band” that performed exclusively in-house for crime lord Jabba the Hutt. You know, the blue elephant guy.

“The Advanced Genius Theory: Are They Out of Their Minds or Ahead of Their Time?” by Jason Hartley was first published in May 2010, and is now available at all major book outlets.

Cafe Racer Show

We played a great show last night at our favorite University District dive bar/cafe. The show was notable as it will be the last acoustic performance from The Vague Prophets for a "long time." My Deformed Pets and Blackheart Honeymoon killed it, and the night concluded with a sweaty, drunken 5 song Bear Driving Car set. Be aware, The Bear has awoken from hibernation and is now back on the scene.

Rufous Hummingbird

Introducing a new project from Ben Allen and Cecilia Garmendia. Look for songs, photos and band info coming soon.

Seattle Crime Map = Where to Have Fun!!!

Seattle Police Department is now publishing "My Neighborhood Maps," detailing where police reports were taken the previous week.


This isn't the "My Neighborhood" map, but it does show where shooting deaths happen in Seattle!

I love that the symbol for prostitution is "XXX," and don't count out the syringe for narcotic possession.

I was thinking to myself - If I was looking for some cocaine and a hooker tonight, this would be a magnificent tool! Funny enough, almost all of the prostitution arrests were right on Aurora, only a few blocks from my home!

Please give the map a look. What was going on in your neighborhood last week? What fun crimes? If you don't live in Seattle, which neighborhood looks the most fun to you? Do you enjoy bike theft? Dog bites? How about an area where there's a lot of disorderly conduct and D.U.I. arrests? You know that's got to be the place to go drinking!

Drinking For America!

Nothing says patriotism like getting shit-faced drunk by 2PM on the 4th of July. Lucky for me Savage Henry was covering Crescent City's Independence Day festivities and caught me on video in the act of drunken buffoonery.

Here's a rough schedule of my day in CC, mapped out by my ridiculous alcohol consumption:

11:00 AM - Screwdrivers just to wake up and enjoy a little fruit juice
12:00 PM - Walk down to parade while drinking Monster & Vodka out of a Snapple bottle
1:30 PM - Arrive at beer garden at Beachfront Park, immediately order two Budweiser's
3:00 PM - Still at the beer garden ordering two beers at a time
4:00 PM - Head to Safeway to pick up Bud Light 30 pack
5:00 PM - Arrive at Haley's house, drink the rest of my vodka mixed with Monster
5:30 PM - Break into the Bud Light 30 pack with reckless abandon
6:00 PM - Start BBQing sausages and stealing someone's PBR's
8:45 PM - Walk down to Beachfront Park right near the jetty for fireworks - PBR's
10:00 PM - Party moves to Garth's beach, still drinking PBR and Shannon's vodka
11:00 PM - Performing with Buffalos In Orbit and running around with sparklers. Vodka!
2:00 AM - Arrive back at Haley's and have a "night cap." Don't remember this happening.


Haley's house drinking stolen PBR. Maybe 7PM?


Beachfront Park drinking with no hands! Roughly 3:00PM

Vote YES on Alcohol Abuse!

I thought I would let these photos speak mostly for themselves. Boy, was I drunk on Saturday, and I think this little sequence illustrates that pretty well.