BumberBlog 2009

I went to Bumbershoot on my birthday (Sept 7th) this year with my good friend "Jewelry." Having attended a wedding the night before, and consuming alcohol steady for something like 10 or 11 hours, I was feeling a little "slow." We did make it to two performances, and wandered around quite a bit taking in the sites. I wrote a "review" of sorts for the excellent Seattle-based music magazine Nada Mucho. Check out the full article here.




Chilling with the two, weird "George Washington Dollar Bill" guys.



The Cave Singers. Some of my favorite Seattle post-folk-hipster-beard-rock.

Innapropriate! "Punctuation" is Hilarious?

Holy shit, it's real! Someone out there loves inappropriate punctuation, especially "unnecessary quotations" as much as me. My pal Bridgette directed me to this website, cleverly titled the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks.

For years I've done things like refer to my "friends" in the band The Ever Changing Sky. Or, when ordering Mexican food, throwing up the air quotes and asking for a "beef" burrito while winking at the waiter. This is especially effective as it lets the server know you're in on their little secret - the "beef" is actually dog or cat meat. It's also fun to use quotations where it completely changes the meaning of what you're trying to get across. Ex: Later on tonight I plan on "going out to eat" with my "roommate." This statement might actually mean something more like: Later on tonight, I plan on "having intercourse" with "that street walker I saw out on Aurora Ave."

So, take a look at the blog. Here's a few of my favorites so far:



The fact that "chicken" is in quotes leaves the diner to guess what the salad sandwich is really made of.



What the hell is "period stuff?" I'm thinking tampons, midol and tissues for crying. Jesus. . .that was sexist!



Well, I guess since "No" is in quotes, we can drink it up and party like hell!

Heavy Shit That Blows My Mind

There's been a few cases recently where I've had my mind blown by "news" that I've discovered on the internet.

PANAMA ALIEN
First off, what the fuck was that thing those kids found in Panama last week? It sure as hell looks like an alien to me. The story goes that these kids saw this 5 foot tall beast emerge out of a cave and come at them like it was ready to attack. The kids retaliated by throwing sticks and rocks and killing it. Granted, this was a bunch of children, so the story might be slightly embellished. When their parents returned the next day, they found this washed up near the lake:





Regardless of the official explanation on what this thing turns out to be, the image of this grotesque beast will be permanently etched in my memory.

THE HUMANZEE
As you can tell by the pictures, the humanzee AKA the "chuman," is a hybrid chimpanzee/human mix. Now, I know some people that love screwing animals, but I didn't know a man had actually successfully impregnated a chimp. While looking at this thing in my office, I showed my co-worker Greg (an African American gentleman) some of the pictures. He responded with, "shit, that looks like my cousin Joe when comes out of the bar drunk." HAHA! That had me in hysterics for a good 10 minutes.





JESUS'S BONES
Remember a few years back when scientists claimed to have discovered Jesus's bones? This too, blew my fucking mind. I know it was just a box with some engravings, but for some reason the thought of the Messiah's remains struck me as some seriously heavy shit. Far out man. Far fucking out.

Fucking Dead Founding Fathers

If you've ever spent any time hanging out with Adam and I, you know our conversations tend to get a little "interesting." Whether it's punching people out, hookers floating in rivers, fisting, shitting, or raping my hamster, it's a rare occassion that finds us discussing anything normal.

So it was with great pleasure that I received the following text message today. To put this in context, Adam is currently visting our friend Jesse and Dana in Philadelphia:

Adam:
Just had sex on Benjmamin Franklin's grave.

Ben:
Awesome! Did Descie like it? Did you guys go for a little 3 way necrohpilia?

Adam:
Yes. We dug him up, pissed in his skull, then I came in his mouth as Des drank it.

Ben:
Did you use any of his bones to stretch out Des's asshole?

Adam:
Yes, but halfway through it snapped and my head got caught.

NUKE A GAY WHALE FOR JESUS!

This has got to be about the best sticker I've ever seen on a car. Smiley was so stoked on it, he had to throw up the double horns. Metal!

Best Album Covers of 2009 Part Two

Here's a few more fantastic covers from albums being released this year:



Weezer - "Raditude"
Although their recent musical output seems to imply that they no longer respect themselves as artists, or give a damn about about releasing relevant music, Weezer's new album cover is a total classic ass kicker. I mean, Jesus, that is one giant leap for dog kind. . .and the font on "Raditude?" You can read the story about it here.



Yeah Yeah Yeahs - "It's Blitz"
Yep, that's Karen O's hand demolishing an egg on the cover of this year's "It's Blitz." I love how this reckless, hasty moment was captured in such detail.



Brooke Hogan - "The Redemption"
Wow. This one wins the "so retardely awful, it's reverted back to being really good, but in an ironic way," award. I hope Brooke was trying to be funny with this. She looks like one of those terrible air brush jobs you'd see on the hood of a '84 Camaro. Yikes!

EdStock 2009 Pictorial Review

About a month ago, I attended and performed (with both The Vague Prophets and Bear Driving Car) at the annual event known as "Edstock." Ed is an exceptionally cool cat (and our guitarist's Dad), and has been throwing this party out at his friend Mike's house for a few years now. Mike's place is outside of Sultan in the woods on a beautiful piece of property, a perfect location to get loaded and weird. Basically, they set up a stage and sound equipment, bring out a bunch of good food, drinks, camp and party hardy!

Check out the website Ed created for the party. There's some fantastic footage of Bear Driving Car performing. I especially enjoyed the video entitled "Chuck," which is actually just Bear Driving Car playing "Believe" while the camera pans around showing some "less than impressed" older party goers. Classic!

I decided to just post a bunch of photos, as telling all of the various stories from the 'Stock would be time consuming as fuck. See you there next year!



Bear Driving Car performing with special guest vocalist "Scuba Steve." Steve was an enthusiastic B.D.C. fan that day, dancing like hell and rocking out on stage.



This is what really got the party started, Bagel's Mai Tai's that I was drinking pretty steady from about noon on. Pictured with me are "Chaps Blue Ribbon," and "Jon Bon Joey."



Right before I stuck my left hand up Rhonda's ass.



The campsite and crew in full effect.



"Bon Joey" not only drunk driving, but drinking WHILE driving. Awesome!



Looking shocked to be standing next to my pal Chris from Bellingham. I had a great time hanging out with him and his wife Megan. Not only are they rad people, but Chris plays in one of my favorite bands in the Pacific Northwest, Ship to Ship.

. . .and finally, the dog fucking. There were two male dogs, that kept "playing friendly" all day long. I mean sure, there was a bunch of bands, food, drinks, drugs, and all sorts of other fun shit going on, but this was without a doubt the highlight of my day. I shot about 10 pics as the dogs kept mounting each other in different positions. My personal favorite was the "red rocket thrusting mouth fuck." Sexy, sexy time!

HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!

Wow, do I ever have a mean erection in my pants right now! I just found out one of my all time favorite bands, the best ever mid-90's-era-college-radio-indie-slacker- rock band PAVEMENT is going to reunite for at least one show. I've seen the info. verified by at least a few sources and couldn't be more excited. Hopefully they'll do a full tour or reunite permanently, if not, I'm going to start looking into tickets to New York. Who wants to go with me?

UPDATE: It sounds as if Pavement will in fact be touring throughout 2010. Seattle resident, and awesomely named Pavement guitarist "Spiral Stairs" had this to say, "There's festivals and stuff that we're talking to, like Coachella." This keeps getting better and better!

UPDATE PART TWO: Pavement's added a second date at the same venue as the first show sold out in minutes. Now, I'm waiting to hear about the world tour - hopefully coming though Seattle!

Richard Gere and The Gerbil

I finally finished a new Big Moosey song entitled, "Richard Gere's Paper Towel Tube." I wrote the thing like 4 or 5 years ago. The thought of someone shaving, de-clawing, then lubing up a little gerbil and ramming it up their ass struck me as outlandishly hilarious. Especially as the aforementioned act was committed by a popular 80's douche bag actor. I wonder if he took his paper towel tube into the pet store, and shopped around, trying out various gerbils until he found one that fit perfect.



I recorded it on this fucking sweet new app for my iPhone called "I am T-Pain," which lets you record your vocals in auto tune over pre-programmed beats. It literally took like 5 minutes to record. I'm having a little difficulty with posting the song anywhere, but I'll add a link as soon as I figure it out. Or if you'd like, I'd gladly e-mail it to you.

Here's the back story. Whether or not all of this is true is up for debate. What do you think?

Several years ago, Richard Gere was admitted into the emergency room of a Los Angeles hospital with a foreign object lodged in his rectum. Some say Gere was alone when he arrived, others say he was accompanied by a friend (e.g., former love interest Cindy Crawford). In any case, an x-ray was taken and it was determined that the foreign object was a gerbil (either alive or dead, depending on who tells the story). Mr. Gere was rushed to surgery, where it took an entire team of doctors to extract the animal from his behind. Some variants say the gerbil was found to have been shaven and declawed; others claim the animal had been placed in a special plastic pouch. Still others insist the poor creature was Gere's own beloved pet (appropriately named "Tibet" in this variant). In any event, when the gerbilectomy was done the medical team was sworn to secrecy — unsuccessfully, we must conclude — and Gere went on his merry way, suffering no permanent harm other than to his reputation.

Butt Rock Kurt

Jesus, this is disturbing.

Taking a Little Break

You may have (or maybe not) have noticed my blogs have become a little less frequent. I've decide to take (gasp) a week off and not write anything else until after my birthday. Which, by the way is Sept.7th, and there are plenty of ironic, black XXL t-shirts out in the world for you to buy me! Dude, have you seen Season Two of "Flight of The Conchords?" Brett's got a dope collection of animal shirts that put mine to shame.

It's not like nothing has happened, I'm just being lazy as balls.

See ya soon!

Weapons of ASS Destruction

Damn! Just when I thought I had another great idea, it's already been taken. I was thinking it would be funny/sexy to have a porno featuring dudes with giant rods penetrating small chicks with tiny butt holes and calling it "Weapons of Ass Destruction." The "movie" would feature some ridiculous plot featuring George Bush, Condoleeza Rice and Saddam Hussein all meeting up, then getting down and dirty.



Anyway, I was disappointed to discover "Evil Angel Productions" has not only released "Weapons of Ass Destruction," but it's also a series, going up to volume 5.



This falls right in with my "original" ideas of "The Passionfruit of The Christ" and "Jewbacca." I guess in this day and age, any idea someone has soon becomes "public" via this wild ass invention know as the inter-web. Well, at least no one else has thought of "Masturbators of the Universe."

Craigslist Free Item of The Day: Volume 12

HAHAHAHA! Like OMG! I have to thank my good buddy Joel for sending this one my way. I pray to god that it's real, and the woman doesn't actually know what a "rusty trombone" is. Won't she be surprised the morning of his birthday when she walks into the kitchen and finds her husband with his butt cheeks pulled wide apart, sporting a thick, throbbing erection. "Time for that rusty trombone, baby," he'll say with a sly little grin on his face. "Now give it to me!"

Thanks again Joel, this made my day!



Wanted: Rusty Trombone
Date: 2009-08-25, 12:44PM

Hi
My husbands birthday is coming up, and he specifically requested that I give him a rusty trombone. Why he wanted a rusty one when I could have bought him a new one is beyond me, but he was very specific. Ive tried the music stores, as well as thrift stores and swap meets and cant find a rusty one anywhere, only brand new ones or tarnished ones....but he really wants a rusty trombone, so Im trying everything I can think of to deliver the goods. Im happy to pay top dollar for a good quality, long lasting rusty trombone...Im running out of time, so if anyone could oblige, I would be forever thankful

* Location: Omaha
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Original URL: http://omaha.craigslist.org/msg/1341656661.html