Bellingham: Round Two

I'm off to Bellingham for drunken New Year's madness. Let's not forget what happened last time I paid that quaint little town a visit.

Wish me luck.

They're Baaaaaaaaaaccckkkkk!

After a retardely long hiatus, my pals "TJ" and "Chris Durant," have returned with "Save It For The Podcast Number 9." Featuring an interview with me about this very blog! They also discuss TJ's obsession with Lady Gaga, pop stars, their new magazine and a hilarious "advertisement" for Chainbangerz. By the way, the new flash Chainbangerz site is fantastic, give it a look.

Roger, The Most Precious Animal In The World

Every year our family dog Roger opens his own presents at Christmas. This year he actually picked out his gift from under the tree (he could smell it), then with a little urging from me, carefully unwrapped it. I love how he holds it with his paws and takes off little pieces at a time with his mouth. Too cute!

Transgender Teacher

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS SINCERE, HEART-FELT CONTENT. IF YOU PREFER ONLY MY "NORMAL" MATERIAL, DO NOT READ ON.



"Woah, I would have never have guessed." That was first reaction to hearing that Lindy Rust was now known as "Lynn," and had "transitioned" from male to female. Lindy was my "Exploring Band" teacher in High School for two years, then I was his teacher's aide my Senior year. He was also a mentor of sorts, offering constant positive reinforcement regarding my musical aspirations and my future in general. He was kind enough to write one of my letters of recommendation that helped get me into HSU. He was hands down my favorite, "cool" teacher throughout my High School career. Surprisingly, for being a very musical person Lindy didn't know how to play guitar. I taught him a few basic chords, and he would teach me things about theory, time signatures and all of the other technical aspects of music I had pretty much ignored. Another time I remember inviting him to a large party we were having out at Roach's place known as the "Yonker's Estate." He politely declined stating, "yeah right guys, that's just what I need. . .front page of the newspaper headlined 'Drunken Teacher Found With Students." HA!

The more I think about it, I fear for Lynn's safety in little town like Crescent City. Some folks there aren't very accepting of those that are "different," whatever the circumstances. Basically if you're not white, drive a big truck and drink warm Coors "tall boys," you take the risk of getting your ass kicked.



More than anything, I'm happy for Lindy/Lynn that she finally feels comfortable with who she really is. It must be extremely difficult feeling your whole life like you were born the wrong gender. I can't even imagine.

Kelly Atherton wrote a great article for The Triplicate if you want to get the "whole story."

A New World Record

As my last post was number 17 for the month of December, I'd personally like to congratualte myself on this being my biggest blog month ever. "Great work Ben, keep it up!"

Blondes and the Dogs that "Love" Them

Today at work, we decided to look up some porn as we were really bored in the office. I jokingly said, "how about DogsonBlondes.com?" Greg typed in google "dogsonblondes" and guess what came up first? SURPRISE! My very own blog! I started laughing pretty damn hard when I re-read this thing. Enjoy.

HO HO HO HO HO HO HO (YOUR MOM)

The day before Christmas Eve (Festivus for those of you keeping track), I decided to "entertain" the scientists here at my work by delivering packages wearing a Santa hat. Assisted by my friend Haley dressed as an elf, we made our way around the building spreading Holiday cheer.

"HO, HO, HO! You must have been a good boy this year 'cause Santa's got some new petri dishes for you," I exclaimed to one unsuspecting researcher. "I'm sorry Savitha, you must have been a bad girl, because instead of those DNA primers you were expecting, all I've got for you is coal. Ho ho ho ho!"

As you can imagine some of the deliveries got mixed results, with scientists alternately looking scared and confused, while others laughed and were into it.

Wisdom of Wilkes: Part 5

Today, ol' Gregory and I got into a discussion about being retired and what we would want to do. I mentioned that I'd like to buy an RV and just travel all over the country. In response, Greg had this to say:

"Shit man, you don't wanna be driving one them RV's around these days. Muthafuckas know you gots money, you old, and they come rob your ass. What you need is an uzi. And stock that bitch with some grenades. What you'd want to do if you was retired was sell some crack rock. Then you'd have all the ho's after you. Ooooohhh, give me some of that crack. I'll fuck your old ass."

Drink The Sac!

I discovered this "bad boy" in the grocery store down the street from my house.

Here's what I imagine their advertising campaign to be:

"Are you feeling thirsty? Then chug down some delicious salty grape Sac juice. You know you want it! Sac juice, just put it in your mouth and chug!"

Wisdom of Wilkes: Part 4

Due to the overwhelming popularity and amount of feedback I've been getting regarding "The Wisdom of Wilkes," I've decided to go ahead and keep 'em "coming." Today's story is about the holiday classic "A Christmas Story."



In Greg's own words:

"Shit Ben, I got into a little bit of an argument with the cable people this weekend. You know the movie 'A Christmas Story?' Well hell, Kim (his wife) and I wanted to watch it, but it wasn't on the TV no where. So I called up Comcast and said, 'what the matter with you dirty dogs?' You should be pulled outside naked into the snow and left to freeze to death. They apologized, and gave me two free movies On Demand. We going to watch 'A Christmas Story' for Kim, and get something nice and dirty for me!"

So in summary, Greg was so pissed that "A Christmas Story" wasn't on TV, so he called the cable company to complain. If that's not ridiculous enough, he's going to settle in and enjoy the holiday time with his wife by watching porno. I love it!!!

What's Up Now Bitch?

Wisdom of Wilkes: Part 3

This morning Greg was talking about the former Soviet Union and had this to say:



"You looked at a map back then, and that motherfucka was huge. I thought to myself, how can we compete with that? The only thing we had that them Russians didn't have back then was good chicken."

Wisdom of Wilkes: Part 2

A few months back shortly after Greg started, he went to the Subway sandwich shop down the street. After he finished his sandwich he looked a little upset. "What's wrong, Greg?," I asked. "Those bitches didn't put any fucking meat on my sandwich," he replied. He then picked up the phone, found the number of the local Subway and called them up. The conversation lasted about 5 minutes, but here was the best line:

"Motherfucker, I'm just trying to stay alive! I want to be able to taste the meat! I mean shit, I'm NOT Jared!"

Fiddler On The Roof

This morning Greg, my African-American buddy that I share an office with, was doing some maintenance on a boiler on the roof.

I jokingly asked him, "Greg, did you see the fiddler on the roof while you were up there?" He paused, looked at me and said, "shit, I didn't see no fiddler on the god damn roof! If I seen a fiddler up there, I'd be calling the police. Fuck that fiddler, that's my roof!"
This guy is so quotable I'm thinking of starting an entire blog dedicated solely to the crazy shit he says!

My House

This is what my house looked like this time last year. We have had no snow so far this year. Weird.

Most Listened to Albums of 2009

Sonic Youth's "The Eternal," the album I listened to the most this past year. I'm also very excited to be travelling down to San Francisco to see them perform on January 10th. This will be the first time I've seen them twice during a single album's touring cycle!

After compiling my list of “most listened to” albums of 2009, I made a couple of interesting observations. With a few exceptions, most of my favorite releases this year came from bands I’ve known and loved for years. I’ve listened to Built to Spill, Cursive, Wilco and Tortoise since college, Dinosaur Jr. and Sonic Youth since High School.

WHY? released a heart-breakingly beautiful, “musically transitional” album. Sonic Youth’s “The Eternal” marked their return to an indie label (Matador), as well as one of their most accessible recordings in years. Girls were a fun new discovery this year (and no I’m not talking about losing my virginity, but that was awesome too!). The songs on the Girls debut entitled “Album” all sound so familiar without being too derivative. The Flaming Lips’ release was a psychedelic, spacey, sprawling mind fuck, in the best possible sense. They completely shunned the accessibility of their last few records and released a double album of weirdness. Noticeably absent from this year’s list was any recordings from Sub Pop, a label that normally releases at least a couple of albums in my year end list.

Although I listened to and enjoyed them, I didn’t include Animal Collective’s “Merriweather Post Pavillion,” WAVVES’s self titled album or Grizzly Bear’s “Veckatimest.” It’s very likely you’ll see all three of these albums on most “Year in Music” lists. The albums listed below are literally what I listened to the most over this last year. None of these records were included to seem “cool” or “hip.”

A couple of albums I really enjoyed, but won’t admit to most people are Bat for Lashes “Two Suns,” Phoenix’s “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix,” and Dirty Projectors “Bitte Orca.”

Overall, 2009 had some solid releases from some reliable bands, but lacked anything that I’m likely to consider “classic” down the road. There was no “Alopeica,” “The Ugly Organ” or “Microcastle.”

Most Listened to Albums of 2009
(not in any particular order)

WHY? – Eskimo Snow
Sonic Youth – The Eternal
Wilco - Wilco (the Album)
Dinosaur Jr. – Farm
Tortoise – Beacons of Ancestorship
The Flaming Lips – Embryonic
Built to Spill – There is No Enemy
Cursive - Mama, I'm Swollen
The Decemberists – The Hazards of Love
Girls – Album

Bear Driving Car Lives!

This last Saturday we "performed" with Bear Driving Car at The Rendezvous. As it was the end of the night our set was cut short, but we did manage to play, "Me So Horny," "Funk Soul Brother," "I Kissed A Girl," "In the Air Tonight," and "Believe." This show marked the third time this year the band has played, unusual in that we normally only play once a year on Halloween. The show ended with about 10 people dancing on stage with us. These last few shows have been unusual in that there have only been 4-5 "members," as opposed to the "near-orchestras" of the past.

For the last few shows, Adam has been using a sampler, and his "808" as opposed to live drums. It's made the sound even more pop (and ridiculous) than before. Recent addition "Bon Joey" has really added to the visual element of the performance. This last show he was shooting whipped cream down his pants, dancing and smashed the hell out of his Guitar Hero plastic guitar.



Group shot on Halloween.



Bear Driving Car live on Halloween!

Sorry for the Delay

I apologize to my many fans for the delay in new blogs. My monitor on my computer at home has broken, so my internet access is limited to work. I should have at least a temporary solution this week. I'll be "back in business" soon.

"I Need to Ship This Rapeseed Please"

One of the companies conducting research in my building is called Targeted Growth. Their work mostly consists of studying plant growth (especially algae) to be used for Bio Fuels. Anyway, yesterday one of the scientists, "Thu," brought me down a small envelope and asked me to ship it to Canada. "Sure I can do that Thu, what are you shipping?," I asked. "It's just these samples of Rapeseed," she replied. I was silenced, and stared at her with a look of shock. "Well OK, I'll get those out for you today then," I said, barely able to contain my laughter.



I looked them up, and I guess the "rapeseed" (also known as rape, oilseed rape, rapa, rapaseed)is bright yellow flowering member of the mustard and cabbage family.

What the hell? What kind of name is that for a flower? I was worried that the little seeds were going to jump out of their container and forcibly try to penetrate my anus. Or, what if you ate them and they had the same effect as roofies?

My Buddy and Me

[Phone rings]
Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?

[Addressing midget]
I didn't know you had elves working here.
Does Santa know that you left the workshop?
[Whispers] He's an angry elf.

Craislist Free Item of The Day: Vol 13 T- Day Dinner for you and your family

I've done 13 of these now, and here is one that is actually pretty sweet. This super generous lady "Aubrey" would be happy to have a complete stranger come over and eat like hell at their house on Thanksgiving. Unfortunately I read this today, December 1st, otherwise I might have gone:

Offer: T- Day Dinner for you and your family (Lake Stevens/Snohomish)

So, I have no family in the area... and I have like 30 lbs of turkey... I cook for a bajillion people on thanksgiving but only have myself, husband and a few others too feed...
I would love to share my Thanksgiving day with someone that just wants family and good company around, maybe dosnt want to eat alone, or just dosn't have the money to have the whole big dinner. (honestly I dont care what your situation is, I JUST want TOO SHARE, and dont want all this food too go to waste!!)
You can be alone, or you can have a spouse and a couple of kids, we have room! We are open, accepting and very easy too get along with! We do this every year and have made some great friends out of this tradition! So, If you don't have any thanksgiving day plans yet... send me a note... tell me about yourself and we can go from there!
We usually eat between 2:00p and 4:00 pm; Turkey, sweet potatoes, Green bean casarole, apple crisp, stuffing, home made cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, apple crisp, four layer dessert, salad and lord only knows what else! lol :0)
We would love to welcome you into our home :)
Please INCLUDE your phone number for fastest response, as I will be checking my email all day... Ill just call you directly so we can make sure that anyone that would like to come has plenty of time too get here.
Aubrey.

Men With Nice Hooters

One thing I find funnier than adults with braces is men with huge boobs, or "moobs" as we will now be calling them. I might be jinxing myself here as there is a very real chance I'll have a nice saggy pair when I get older, but I can't help it. Sometimes I feel so bad for these guys, it's got to be a little uncomfortable. Much like Kramer on the popular television sitcom "Seinfeld," I'd like to offer them a "bro" or a "mansierre" for some extra support.



I also feel like these dudes with "moobs" should consider wearing sexier clothing. For example, when going to the beach, why not put on a skimpy little bikini top? Feeling casual and relaxed tonight? Then slip into a sexy little red lace teddy. Hell, the "moobs" aren't going anywhere, so why not dress them up a little?



One of the finer examples of man titties lately is Jack Nicholson. Just look at that set. He looks like he's about to squeeze some milk out of those puppies to feed his hungry child.

Cat Dick Scratch Fever

Awesome, I found another "accidental dick" this weekend while drunkenly walking around Ballard. Check this thing out, it's supposed to be a "cat scratching post," but it sure looks like a beige fuzzy-headed schlong to me. I've submitted this to the fantastic "Accidental Dong" site, so hopefully it will be posted there soon.

Abusing Tim Stiles

It has been brought to my attention that I "over-promote" my band's performances. I suppose there's a fine line between promoting and being annoyingly persitent. Sometimes in advance of one of our shows, I'll send out bulk e-mails, post flyers on Facebook pages, send out show invites on myspace and send "spam" text messages the day of the show. My buddy Tim Stiles brought this all to my attention, and we had a "meeting" regarding my promotion techniques. He explained to me that "more is less," and that's there's no need to let someone know 12 times about a single event.

I completely agree with Tim's theory, but just to be "funny" I thought I'd "let him know" about our show this past Sunday by sending him 6 text messages the day of the performance. They started out normal, pretending to be regular "spam" messages, but as they day wore on they got more and more ridiculous.



Here's the transcript:

1:17 PM
The Vague Prophets are playing tonight at The High Dive in Fremont. We are playing first at 8, so don't be late and bring a date. Love you!

2:27 PM
Please make it out to The Vague Prophets show tonight at The High Dive. We will be snorting Clorox off each other's penises in the green room and licking the Sharpie dicks on the wall.

4:15 PM
Hey there turtle lips. If your clit is turning red, join The Vague Prophets ya big shit head! Tonight at 8 PM at Fremont's finest shit hole known as "The High Dive."

6:39 PM
Do you enjoy seeing grown men with their cocks out on stage? Then come on down to The High Dive, grab on to those dicks and give us a "tug job" on stage. 8 PM!

8:00 PM
The Faggot Prophets will be sucking cocks in the green room at The High Dive tonight. Be there at 8 PM. Love you.

10:21
If you love adult men covered in their own shit, then come on down to The High Dive tonight and see The Vague Prophets!

UPDATE: I decided to send one more off to Tim today, and he finally responded.

3:30 PM
Ben: Do you like to rock out with your ball sac out? Then you should have headed down to The High Dive last night to see The Vague Prophets.

Tim: Oh for the love of god!

Incredible Real Businesses Vol 2: Rub-A-Dub Dog Do-It-Yourself Dogwash

Rub-A-Dub Dog Do-It-Yourself Dog Wash

Wow, maybe it's just me but I find these Seattle dog-oriented businesses hilarious. This one is especially great as you have to fucking wash the dogs YOURSELF! Why would there be a business that offers this "service?" Isn't that what a hose in your backyard is for?

. . .but don't take my word for it. Listen to "Bijou" the official Spokesdog. HA!



"I would never steer my fellow canines wrong, Rub-a-Dub Dog consistently provides fun, friendly service...and the dog treats can't be beat!!"

-Bijou,
Official Spokesdog

As an experiment,I'd like to take one of my hairy human friends into this business and see if the owners would protest me washing them there. Hmmmm, maybe I'll bring Bagel in, strip him nude and power wash the fuck out of him!

Incredible Real Businesses Vol. 1: Spawz Dog Swim Camp

This is the first in yet another reoccurring column on my blog entitled, "Incredible Real Businesses." The idea being that I post photos and information about businesses that seem fake, but incredibly do exist. I'm hoping to see and hear about more of these soon, but I'll also gladly take submissions via my e-mail: benallen1@hotmail.com

For the first installment of Incredible Real Businesses, I proudly present:

SPAWZ DOG SWIM CAMP



I first discovered Spawz when I saw their van driving around in my neighborhood. Not much later, I drove by the business (located just blocks from my house) and noticed the huge banner outside "SpawZ Swim Camp for Dogs!" I immediately started laughing uncontrollably.





Here is some information listed on the site regarding the camp:

Swim Camp is great for dogs who love to swim or could benefit from low-impact exercise like swimming. You dog will spend his day playing, socializing and enjoying swimming in our sparkling clean indoor pool.

If your dog has never been in a pool, or doesn't like to swim, NO problem....Camp includes swim lessons. We are very proud of our success rate at teaching dogs to swim. We have taught many breeds: Chihuahuas, Italian Greyhounds, Dashshunds, Corgis, Australian Shepherds, Jack Russels, Russian Blue Terriers, and more. We also have taught many dogs who are known to be natural swimmers such as Labs, Newfies and Goldens.

AVOID:
* crowded dog parks/beaches
* dirty, contaminated water
* bad doggie behavior by some park visitors



Spawz also offers an awesome "FRIDAY NIGHT SPLASH N CRASH!" deal:

It’s Friday night and you have had a long, hard week. Wouldn’t it be nice not have to rush home to care for your pup, but instead go out to dinner and relax? Also beneficial for those last minute weekend getaways where dogs are not invited…concerts, friend’s cabin, or just want to spend a quiet, romantic night away from the pooch.

How it Works
• 1.5 days of daycare, one night of boarding
• Two one-hour group swims (or two 20 minute private swims)
• Drop-off on Friday and pick-up by 1 pm Saturday
COST: All for only $59 ($89 value). Please mention this offer to get the discount price.

Spawz offers a variety of services including boarding:



I'm not even joking about this, but dogs here are given what are referred to on the website as their "own private suites."

So please, take a look at their website, you won't be disappointed!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIRE CHIEF EMILY!!!

Today is my hamster and good friend Fire Chief Emily's first birthday. Technically she's 1 and some change, as she was "around 2 weeks old," when I brought her home. But, today is the day she moved in to my house.

Over the last year she's brought a lot of joy to my house. Whether it was rolling around in her ball, getting pet by dozens of friends, being shoved up asses or drunkenly screamed at while completing "time trials" on the "Ham-Track" at 4 AM, she has truly become a loved friend and roommate.



So, for her birthday, I figured I'd do the "usual" and shave her bald, lube her up and send her up the ol' paper towel tube deep inside my anus. Then I thought a little more about it. How is that fun for her? If anything, I should be shoving something up HER ass for her birthday. So, I found a small plastic straw and an even smaller tiny ant. With a little push and a lot of lube, I inserted the straw into her tiny anus and let the ant start crawling up. A look of shock broke across "F.C.E.'s" face as the ant entered her. Fire Chief squirmed with pleasure as the ant deeply penetrated her cavity. After about 7 minutes the ant crawled out and I promptly bludgeoned it with my fist. I withdrew the straw and returned my precious little friend to her house.

Now you tell me, can you think of a better birthday gift for a pet hamster?

Stalking Amber Coffman

I don't often get celebrity crushes, but recently I've found an exception in Amber Coffman. I don't know if "celebrity" is even the right word. She's one of the guitarists/vocalists for the band The Dirty Projectors. I suppose at this point, The Dirty Projectors fame is enough to qualify them as "celebrities."

I remember first hearing about "The D.P.'s" back in 2007. The story goes that lead singer/guitarist Dave Longstreth had found an empty casette tape case for one of Black Flag's releases while visiting his parents. Feeling inspired to "fill the case," Longstreth went on to record a collection of Black Flag "covers," entitled "Rise Above," all played from memory. The "reimagining" of the songs often bares little resembalance to the originals, but that is what I find so intriguing. What would a song you loved in your youth sound like if you tried to just play it, without being distracted by the accuracy of the original, real recording? In 2009 The Dirty Projectors released "Bitte Orca" on Domino, significantly raising the band's profile and critical acclaim. Their music is modern weird-pop. They take cues from 80's inspired African artists, much like their New York friends Vampire Weekend. The songs often contain intricate male/female vocal harmonies and technical, but pop-oriented guitar lines.



But let's get back to the focus here, the lovely Amber Coffman. I'm not sure exactly what it is I find so attractive about her. Amber's appearance while cute, is nothing exceptional. She does kind of have that "adorable-elfin-Bjork-meets-Joanna-Newsome" thing going on, though. I also find her guitar playing and singing sexy, if that makes any sense. There's something about female musicians that really does it for me. Even if they're not "hot" in the traditional sense, a girl shredding on an instrument is a beautifull sight to witness. Also, from watching D.P. music videos, interviews, etc, I get the feeling Amber is a down to earth, normal, "real" person. I feel like if I met her at a show, she wouldn't be a stuck up hipster cunt, but more of a soft spoken, shy, interesting girl.

Hell, maybe I should contact their publicist about doing an interview?

The Negro Box

Yesterday at work I received a "black compact refridgerator." Almost immediately, I noticed the side of the box read "NEGRO." Now, I realize that two sides of the box were in Spanish, and that "negro" actually just means black. However, I faked disgust as I turned to the Lowe's delivery driver and said, "I can't accept this package man, I really don't condone any type of racism." It took him a second, but then he realized I was just fucking with him.



As the day went by, I kept looking over at the box and laughing to myself. Greg, an African-American coworker that I share an office with, asked me what I found so funny. "Well take a look at this box, what do you think?," I said. Greg processed what was on the box, and started to pretend like he was really offended. "Man, this is some bullshit! I'm calling Jesse Jackson and the NAACP. We needs to be getting rid of this negro box!"

"Tommy the Tuggin' Turtle"

I submitted my turtle dick photo to my new favorite website, "Accidental Dong." Wouldn't you know it, they put it up on their site! You really should give the unintentional dick site a viewing if you haven't yet. The shit is hilarious, I especially like the "penninsula" aerial photos, and the recent "handrail" at the old folk's home.

It's "BON JOEY!!!"

Excellent e-mail Action

This morning I hade an e-mail in my inbox titled:

"These cheating whores were exposed like cockroaches with my hidden spycams‏"



I couldn't bring myself to open it as I knew it was spam, but it amused me nonetheless.

I Found An Accidental Dick, I Found An Accidental Dick!!!

Alright, so I just returned from Hawaii, and in a short period of time will be posting stories and photos from my various excursions around the glorious islands. More importantly, I have some exciting penis news in the form of this little fella I found in an "ABC" Gift Shop on Kona.



So here we see an adorable little ceramic turtle. He's on his way to the 'ol fishing hole. He's got on his hat, he's got some weird wood pole, but wait a minute. . .



Ho, ho, ho. . .look at the size of that thing! It ends up our precious little friend is packing some major erect pink meat!

The Best Ad You Will Ever See

A couple of nights ago I watched a documentary about Robert Moog, inventor of the Moog synthesizer. This ad was part of the doc., and had "Admiral Ass" and I laughing for days. First off, Edd Kalehoff, the dude playing the Moog snyth. He's got so much style, look at that 'stache and those glasses. I love that after jamming out in what looks like a fucking space lab, he needs to take a break and refresh himself with a tall, cool Shaefer beer. Then the vocal part comes in, "Shaefer is the one beer to have when you're having more than one." HA! How is that for a beer slogan? Just encouraging you to get loaded!

"Grown-ups" Wearing Braces

Is it just me, or are adults that have to wear braces really fucking hilarious? Why didn't they get their teeth taken care of when they were little tykes?

Just like how kids in high school get called "brace face," or "metal mouth," I think these people should be made fun of more. So please, if you happen to see an adult wearing braces, point, laugh and make a big scene regarding how ridiculous they look.